Divorce the Right Way

History has No Place in Your Divorce Process

If you are going through a divorce, you will have a tendency to think about the past.  You will think about your history together as a couple.  You will think about the good times and be sad at all that was lost.  You will think about the bad times and the rotten things your spouse has done or said and use it to justify why you are feeling so angry or bitter at your spouse now.  But good or bad, the "Marriage History" has no place in your divorce process.

    "Why," you ask?

    Because the Marriage History is made up of memories -- things past.  And the past is not happening now.  NOW is all that is relevant.  Now is the only thing that matters.

    "But important things happened back there," you plead.  "We've got to talk about that.  We've got to go over it.  We've got to make sure we both understand what happened back then.  And, I want to make sure that my lawyer and mediator and judge and anyone else who will listen to me hears my story of how this all went so wrong and how it's all my spouse's fault!"

No, we don't have to "understand" what happened back then.  No, it isn't important.  No, your lawyer or mediator or judge do not need to hear all about the Marriage History.  And no, it's not all your spouse's fault.

I can hear you protesting.  But listen to these truths about Marriage History:

1. You cannot change what happened.  You know that to be true.  You cannot go back and undo a wrong.  You cannot go back and change what was said.  You cannot undo history.

BUT, you DO have control over what you are doing and saying and thinking NOW.  Now is the only place where you have power.  Talking about and dwelling on your past -- your history-- distracts you from your real business which is being aware of and in control of your now.

2. There are two sides to every history and your Marriage History is no exception.  Your "truth" about the Marriage History is not an absolute truth.  Your "truth" about your history is biased.  It is colored by your feelings, by your wishes about how you wanted it to go, by your need to be right (or at least not perceived as wrong or bad) -- in short, it cannot be trusted as an accurate reflection of the "truth" of things.  And your spouse -- well he or she has a story that almost without exception will differ from yours.  Does that mean one of you is lying?  No, it is totally logical for there to be two stories because each of you perceived it -- actually observed it -- differently.  So there is is no "Truth."  It really is relative. 

The only thing you know for certain in any given moment is what is happening for you right now.  So doesn't it make sense to be here, present in this moment, where you are certain about what's going on around you and inside of you?

3. In a divorce proceeding, the Marriage History is legally irrelevant, so it is a very costly waste of your financial resources to spend money on trying to convince your lawyer or mediator or a judge of the "Truth" of your Marriage History.  You read that right.  Irrelevant.  Who was a bad guy or good guy, who was mean or nice, who did the work and who was lazy -- legally irrelevant to divorce proceedings.  Lets be clear.  There ARE times when the history of financial transactions or of earnings and the like are relevant.  That's not what we're talking about here.  The Marriage History is, though, completely irrelevant.*  In Arizona, even if you prove that your spouse was the worst spouse on the planet, the court CANNOT award you more property or give you more spousal maintenance or child support (or lessen your burden as the case may be).  "Marital misconduct" is specifically rendered irrelevant by statute.

So, you see, spending many hundreds of dollars per hour to complain about and blame your spouse and to try to convince the legal professionals involved that you are in the right and your spouse has wronged you - it is wasted dollars.  If vent you must, call an indulgent friend and vent for free.

The divorce process is costly enough. Save your financial resources for help with problem solving, not venting.

4. You are not going to come to agreement about the Marriage History with your spouse -- or convince him or her that he/she is wrong.  Bringing up the past -- throwing it in your spouse's face -- during negotiations will either shut the negotiation down or make your spouse defensive and angry -- which puts you into argument mode, not problem-solving mode.  "So what?" you say.  "I have to try to get him/her to see what he/she has done wrong, etc." 

Why?  You are getting divorced.  You can't change what happened.  What possible purpose does re-hashing the Marriage History serve at this point?

If you need to find emotional closure with your spouse, do it in therapy or on your own time, outside of the divorce process negotiations.

Your job right now is to create new "history" for yourself, not rehash the old one.

AND FINALLY,

5. Staying in the past -- in the Marriage History -- deflects you away from what you should be doing right now:  Planning for your Future.  Given that you cannot change what happened (see #1 above), what is the point of bringing up the past in your divorce process/negotiations?  Right now your job is to plan for your future and if you have children, to plan for their future as well.  The Marriage History does not help in that endeavor because it doesn't matter why you are where you are, it only matters that you are where you are!  You are where you are.  Period.  That's what you're dealing with right now.  Your finances are what they are.  Your job, career and earning ability are what they are.  Your spouse's earnings are what they are.  Everything in your life is what it is right now.  You cannot instantaneously change it to be what you want.  And complaining about the Marriage History and how he/she should have or could have won't change your current situation either.  If anything, it only re-activates what you don't want and makes it present again.

Focus right now on where you are now and where you want to go, not where you've been.

Family is created by shared experience.  Your Marriage History is important to you and your memories are your own.  No one can take them away from you.  But you learned the lesson from the experience in the moment that you had it.  It's time to move on.  Time to start living new experiences more to your liking.  Leave the history behind.

Considering Divorce? Try It On For Size

In a previous post I discussed some tips for anyone considering a divorce (see Post below).  This is Part II of "Considering a Divorce?"  This is an interesting game called "Try It on For Size."

There are two parts to this "game."  The first part deals with the emotional aspects of ending your relationship.  The second deals with financial aspects and will be covered in my next post.

You don't' need to tell anyone that you are playing this game.  This is just for you.

Game Number 1:  Is the Grass any Greener?¹

If you've been wondering if the grass is any greener out there than in your present relationship, why not pretend that you're divorced for a day?  For one whole day, as you go about your business in the world, imagine that you are divorced.  When you go to the coffee shop for your morning joe, mentally pretend you are single (mentally pretend -- you're not actually asking for phone numbers here!).

Now look around you.  Is there anyone you would want to flirt with?  Anyone you can see giving your number to?  Try this at the grocery store, soccer field, hardware store, the office -- anywhere that you are around people.

Imagine yourself single.  These are the potential dates and companions you might have.

PLEASE NOTE that I am NOT suggesting you actually make dates with others when you are married.  This is a game of imagination, not action.

What was the result of this experiment for you?  How do you interpret the results?

How you interpret the results is totally up to you.  Be honest with yourself.  Look inside.

Here are a few ideas to consider in interpreting the results.

If you tried the game and found that you weren't attracted to anyone - or at least not enough that you'd flirt with them - then perhaps you still have significant attachment to your current relationship.  In that case, why not consider trying to improve the relationship (and for suggestions on that, see previous posts below and check back here from time to time for tips).  If you are interested in improving your marriage, I suggest a book, "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It," by Patricia Love, Ed.D., and Steven Stosny, Ph.D.  This is an excellent book with tips that will appeal to both men and women.  Even if you are thinking you're going to end this relationship, this book will help you to understand the opposite sex and male/female relationships better so that you're next relationship will be an improvement for you.

If you played the game and found yourself readily able to imagine yourself dating others, perhaps your commitment to your marriage/partner is not that strong.  Only you can gauge the strength of your commitment but consider how eager you were during this game.  Were you disappointed that you couldn't actually follow through and pursue a relationship with someone else?  Also consider this, if you knew that your spouse played this "game," and knew that he/she was attracted to others and seriously would consider dating someone else if not married to you, how would you feel about that?  Jealous perhaps.  But would you feel that your spouse - in that scenario - was not fully committed to you?

Take some time to reflect on your findings before you make a decision about your relationship.  Even if you found yourself eager to meet someone new, it doesn't mean that your marriage is over if you don't want it to be.  It may just mean that the relationship needs some repair.  If you want to improve your relationship and re-commit, then please read the book I referenced above and real other posts below.  Try the techniques suggested and see what happens.

If you are strongly considering divorce, try the second "Try It On For Size" game that will be forthcoming in my next post.

____________________

¹  Thank you to my friend Elena who gave me the original suggestion for this first "Try It on For Size" game.

Getting Divorced? Here's the First Step You Should Take

    Once you have decided to get divorced, before you hire a lawyer or mediator or file paperwork, you should take the time to get clear on where you're going.  And before you can "Get What you Want" (see prior post), you need to know what you want.  The first step in your divorce process is to spend the time to determine your own needs and wants.  This post will discuss how to do that.

You may be asking "Why is this important?"  It is important because in a divorce negotiation it is imperative to know what your own needs are; to know what is important to you.  If you are clear about your own needs and wants,  you can then judge any proposal from your spouse against your own set of guide posts.  This will keep you from having knee-jerk responses.

    Additionally, in order to move the negotiation forward, you need to know what does work for you.  While both men and women will benefit from this post, Ladies, I'm particularly talking to you!  I have seen many cases where the husband proposes a solution and the wife says no to it. Then he asks "Well, what do you want?"  And she can't answer!  I've even seen cases where the husband practically gives the wife a blank check -- here, fill in what you want-- and she can't even fill in the blanks!  In these situations, the wife is really clear about what she doesn't want, but not clear on what she does want.

Not only does this stall the negotiation (or even bring it to an end), but it also puts the person who can't articulate their own needs and wants at a disadvantage.  How can you bargain for your own best interests when you don't know what your best interests are?

And don't think that if you hire a lawyer you don't have this issue.  If you hire a lawyer to represent you, you still need to be able to articulate to your attorney what your interests are.  Most attorneys either don't try to help their clients determine their needs or lack the ability to help you with this piece.

So now that you understand why you should spend time on this, now lets discuss how.  In order to discuss how, lets first discuss what I mean by a "need."

A need can be something tangible.  We all have what may be referred to as "basic needs," such as shelter, nourishment, clothing, etc.  In addition to these basic needs of every day living, there are other needs, often intangible, that we all have.  For each of us there are "core needs," those things that may be intangible but we still either can't live or are miserable without them.  An example of a core need may be freedom.

Now lets discuss how to determine your needs.  A helpful exercise is to make a list of words that come to mind that identify your needs.  Do this exercise in a quiet place and when you have plenty of time.  Relax and let go of your conscious mind.  Let this list flow in a stream of conscious way and write it as rapidly as the words come to mind.  List as many things that you can think of in answer to this question:  "What is it that I can't live without?"

After you have listed the needs, take a look at the list and circle three that you must have.  In this exercise, you can only take three and all others have to go.  What three are more important than all the others?  These three core needs or values are your highest priority.  Remember them.

Now, choose just one out of the three.  The other two must go; you can only have one.  Which will it be?

The last one, this one out of many, is the one thing or trait or quality that you can't live without.  You must have this each day, all the time, and in every situation in order to feel comfortable.

Was it hard to choose?  This exercise helps you not only to see what is important to you but also to prioritize the needs as well.

Now you may be saying "OK, that was interesting but what does it have to do with my divorce?"

It has everything to do with your divorce.  Before you go into a negotiation, you should ground yourself by knowing your core needs and values; know what is truly important to you.

Why?  Because a negotiation is a compromise.  There will be times when you and your spouse say that you "want" the same thing (the house, for example).  There are items you may be willing to let go but others that you must stand firm on.  How do you know what to let go if you haven't done your inner work to determine your priorities and core needs?

Lets look at an example of how this works in practice.  Say for example that one of your core needs is freedom.  It's in the top three for you.  You have said that you "want" the house and your spouse also wants the house.  But your house has two mortgages and is upside down.  Perhaps it's a large home and an older home with lots of future maintenance.  When determining whether you really "want" this item of property, consider how it squares with your core need for freedom.  Will it offer you the freedom you are looking for?

In this example, you may choose to say "Okay Spouse, I agree that you take the house."  Then you will articulate a proposal for other property that you want instead -- property that squares with your need for freedom.

This is just an example and there may be many other considerations/needs to consider.  But this gives you an idea of how this works in action.

Let me say a word on "wants" versus "needs."  Clients most often come into the mediation or into their lawyer with a list of wants.  "I want the house and my 401(k) and the Honda and this much support, etc."  Most frequently this list was put together without any consideration of that person's own needs.  So going back to the example above, you may come into the negotiation thinking you want to keep the house, but if you identified freedom as your core need/value, you may conclude that "No, if I keep the house it will not enhance my freedom."  Then you decide you don't want the house.  If you take the time to articulate to yourself your core needs and values, it will be easier to determine your "wants."  YOUR WANTS FLOW FROM YOUR NEEDS.

So then what?  Perhaps your spouse proposed that you take the house and you determine that it does not meet your needs so you say "No, that won't work for me," and you articulate why.  Then your spouse will say, "Well, what do you want?"

And here is where it frequently does so wrong!  You now articulate what will work for you based on your analysis of your needs versus available options.  Here's what you don't do:

DON'T complain about all the reasons you shouldn't be burdened with the house.

DON'T complain about how your spouse is always trying to stick you with the problems.

DON'T go into a diatribe about how bad your spouse is and state every beef you've ever had with him/her.

I think you get the picture.  You state no to the proposal (if the proposal doesn't work for you); you state why the proposal won't work for you; THEN YOU ARTICULATE A COUNTER-PROPOSAL of what will work for you.  This is the process for the entire negotiation.  A back and forth of proposed solutions.

Ladies, a special word to you.  Your husband can handle the word no.  He really can.  What makes him nuts is when you say no but then don't follow up with what will work or a proposal or solution.  No, no, no, no without any possibilities thrown in just starts to sound like "there's no solution here."  He may not agree with your counter-proposal (so don't get defensive and lose your mind at him -- a future post topic!), but listen now to his counter-proposal he makes in response.  He may not agree with you, but he will respect you for stating your needs and proposing a solution.  And he is more likely to continue to listen to you and your proposals.

So remember:  1) Know your core needs; 2) Judge any and all proposals against how it will either enhance or diminish your needs; and 3) If you say no, be prepared to offer an alternative solution.

If you would like help with pre-divorce planning or just getting a grip on what you do need and want, contact me for a private coaching session.  Together we'll get to the bottom of it.

Dear Mr. Spreadsheet: Tips for Men in Divorce Negotiation

This post is geared to men who are entering into a divorce negotiation.  I have some tips for you fellas culled from my observations of the male-female dynamic in divorce negotiations.  Follow these tips and your negotiation will go more smoothly.

Men are natural problem solvers.  If someone defines a problem, either at work or at home, men immediately start thinking of a way to solve the problem and then will get started on a solution.

Problem solving is a good thing and a quality that serves men very well in the business world.

But . . . in negotiations with your wife in a divorce case, the tendency to jump-in-and-solve-the-problem can impair the negotiation.  I call you problem-solver-guys "Mr. Spreadsheet," though this advice pertains even to guys who just have a mental "spreadhsheet" going on.  So Mr. Spreadsheet, when faced with the prospect of dividing assets and debts and income, you get on the computer and start creating spreadsheets for how it's all going to go.  And that isn't necessarily a bad thing to do.  For many men (and some women too) creating a spreadsheet (or table or chart) is a wonderful way to see the big picture.

But here's where it goes wrong.  Mr. Spreadsheet comes to the first mediation and immediately whips out his spreadsheets illustrating how he has figured it all out and here's how it's going to go.  His expectation is that he'll just explain it to her and Voila!  She'll agree with it all.  It's fair, after all.  Draw up the contract.  Sign.  Done.

Suffice it to say, the response from the wife will be a resounding "no."

Mr. Spreadsheet is then frustrated.  "I've figured it all out and this is fair.  Why doesn't she agree?  She's just being unreasonable."

Well, she's probably not being unreasonable and if Mr. Spreadsheet had taken a different approach, she may well have agreed with all or most of his proposals.  Why doesn't this approach work?

Because in this approach, Mr. Spreadsheet didn't get any input from his negotiation partner -- i.e. his spouse.  Mr. Spreadsheet thinks he knows what she needs and wants.  He thinks he knows best how to accomplish for her all that he presumes she wants.

Fellas, here's a tip.  Remember this always.

If you are getting divorced, you are the last person she wants telling her what to do.  And when you pull out those spreadsheets/charts/tables and start explaining to her all the virtues of your plan, it sounds to her like you are telling her what to do.

And even worse, in this approach, Mr. Spreadsheet didn't even  ask her what she wants or what concerns she had (she may not know what she wants, but that's another blog post!).  When you make your plan without consulting her, she feels silenced -- robbed of a say in this whole thing.

Essentially, you've figured it all out and now you're telling her what to do.

This sets the negotiation up from the very start with great difficulty - perhaps even failure.  These are the tips for avoiding this pitfall of negotiation:

1. PUT AWAY THE SPREADSHEETS!  It may be helpful for you to create spreadsheets to think through options and to see the big picture.  But don't whip out your creations - especially at the beginning of a negotiation.  Use your spreadsheets as a tool for yourself, not as a way to convince your spouse that your "plan" (i.e. position) is the best.

2. BE OPEN TO POSSIBILITY, NOT RIGID IN YOUR POSITION.  Before you come to your first meeting, remember - you don't have to have it all figured out.  Really, you don't.  For some of you this may be difficult, but if you come to a negotiation with knowledge of the facts of your situation but an openness to possibility, the negotiation will go much more smoothly.  And when you're open, you will be receptive to ideas from the other parties to the negotiation -- your mediator, your attorney (if you have one) and most importantly, your spouse.  Your negotiation partners have ideas and often have knowledge and information to share with you.  When you create a plan for resolution BEFORE you have gotten the benefit of this collective wisdom, you are missing out on potentially important information.  I have seen it time and again.  The collective brainpower of all parties to the negotiation will create a better, more elegant solution than any one individual came up with.

3. RESPECT.  That's right, Aretha said it.  It bears repeating.  Respect.  Respect her feelings.  Respect her needs.  Most importantly, respect her ideas.

This doesn't mean you have to agree with her.  Just show respect for her ideas rather than being dismissive.

If you follow these three tips, you will be doing your part to create the kind of atmosphere necessary for a vibrant and productive divorce negotiation.

Divorce Mediation: Getting What you "Want"

When you go into a negotiation, what is your purpose?  Not specifically, but generally, what is the purpose of negotiation?  You may say "to reach an agreement" or "settle a dispute."  And this is a very legalistic, politically correct answer and the kind of thing I learned in mediator training, but it hides the truth.

Why do you ever into a negotiation?

TO GET WHAT YOU WANT!

You may have a dispute or a legal case to settle or a divorce you're going through but you negotiate to get what you want.  "I want to buy that car" becomes a negotiation with the car dealer about price and terms.  The car dealer wnats profit from the sale of his inventory.  You want a car.  The neogiation takes place and if successful, the deal is made.  Both parties got what they wanted.  You got the new car.  The dealer got the profit from the sale of the car.

Each party to this negotiation has a "want," a thing or outcome that they desire from this transaction.  The dealer may achieve other results from this transaction such as the satisfaction of seeing a customer happy with their chose car and the like.  But this is not the primary reason that the negotiation took place.

In this example there is a clear quid pro quo that can be achieved.  Each has something that the other desires and the negotiation revolves around the specific terms of that exchange.

When you enter into a negotiation, you want something (or several things).  This is an important point that you should not forget.

Why?  First, you should spend time considering what exactly you want before you enter into a negotiation.  Your wants can be tangible (I want the house and my 401(k) in this divorce) or intangible (I want to have a good relationship with my spouse when this is over so we can co-parent our children).  Being clear about what is important to you before you even begin a negotiation is very important.  This is a topic I will cover in more detail in future blog.  This blog focuses on the second reason to keep in mind what you want when you negotiate.

Second, the language you use in the negotiation must be chosen with your wants in mind.  Especially in divorce mediation and negotiation, I have frequently observed spouses forgetting, ignoring or just being downright ignorant of how the language they use -- the words they choose -- move them further away from what they want.

Lets use spousal support as an example.  Assume that Wife wants spousal support from Husband.  She has been a homemaker for most of their 20+ year marriage and hasn't worked outside the home for more than 15 years.  She wants to go to school to get re-training and needs financial help from Husband to achieve her goal.

In order to get her want, i.e. spousal support, she'll need to convince Husband that he should want to pay her OR that he'll get something in return for paying her (a quid pro quo like in the car example above).  But in this case, there is no object or item for sale here and Wife is unlikely (and the law does not require her) to "give up" property she is entitled to in order to "buy" spousal support.  So how can Wife convince Husband that he should "want" to pay her spousal support?

The following quiz uses real life language I have observed people use in similar situations.

Should Wife:

(a) Accuse Husband of never having supported the family adequately and if he had, she'd have the assets to go forward without support from him; OR

(b) Bring up to Husband all of the ways he has been a bad Husband and/or Father and demand spousal support with the flourish "I deserve it;" OR

(c) Threaten Husband that he better agree to pay spousal support because if he doesn't, she'll hire Mr. Barraduca Lawyer to take him for all he's got; OR

(d) Explain to Husband her goals and plan for going to school; acknowledge his financial support of the family while she has been taking care of the home; set forth her goal of being financially self-sufficient (without a snide comment like "Believe me, if I didn't have to take a dime from you I wouldn't"); then suggest her plan for spousal support.

Of course the answer is D.  Honestly, I'm not making this up, I have seen answers a, b and c all too frequently (and others like it).

What happens when you accuse, threaten, berate, denigrate the other in a negotiation?  Generally, the other gets defensive and then counter-attacks (very common) or shuts down and withdraws (less common but just as deadly to a negotiation). In either case, are you getting closer to getting what you want or further away?   That's right -- further away.

It can be difficult in divorce negotiations to leave the emotional baggage out.  There can be a lot of it.  But in  your own self interest, leaving the emotional baggage behind will make a very large and positive difference in the outcome of your negotiation.

Believe it or not, your soon-to-be-ex-spouse most often wants good things for you too.  Your spouse has not completely turned off the spigot of caring about you.  Especially at the beginning of the divorce negotiation, there often is still real affection for the other partner.  You can either capitalize on your partner's current genuine feelings of good will OR you can squander that by attacking, blaming, accusing, etc.

You know the old saying:  You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.  That concept applies to divorce negotiation.

I'm not suggesting that you lie or falsely stroke the ego of your spouse.  Most people smell BS a mile away and you will not achieve good results in your negotiation by lying.

But what I AM saying is refrain from negative language - no attacks; no blaming; no accusing; no put downs.  The past is history.  There is no good that will come from re-hashing old wounds.

DO point out beneficial things your spouse has done or said if you can do so with sincerity.  And remember, your job is to identify your own needs; to explain how you se those needs being met (preferably while acknowledging your spouse's needs and illustrating how your plan takes those needs into consideration); and express willingness to hear your spouse's ideas too.

Keep at the forefront of your mind why you are in the negotiation in the first place.  You are not there for therapy.  You are not there to "say your piece" and be "proven right" on any given issue.  Whether or not your spousel was an idiot for making XYZ Investment in 1992 is not the point now.  Re-hashing that in the middle of your negotiation has nothing to do with the assets/resources you NOW HAVE and what you now want.  You may want to go to couples therapy to address those types of topics if you just have to hash it out.

You are in the mediation/negotiation to get what you want and to move on with your life.

DON'T COMPLAIN.  NEGOTIATE.