Divorce the Right Way

Creating the Relationships that You Want

    When a person is looking for a change -- whether it is a change in their relationship, their job, their money or whatever -- wise friends and advisers often suggest writing affirmations.  Sounds like a good idea.

But affirmations frequently do not work.  Why?

    Because if you do not believe the words in the affirmation, then it has no power for you.  You will get in life what you expect to get -- what you believe you will get.  This applies to money, career, house, car -- and relationships too.

I have a personal story for you about affirmations.  Some years back I went to a hypnotherapist to work on weight loss.  I was looking for the "miracle" cure.  She gave me tapes with her voicing speaking soothing affirmations.  "I make health eating choices," the voice said, or "I enjoy my body." 

I listened to these tapes daily for six months (in addition to hypnotherapy sessions).  I didn't lose a pound (in fact, I gained weight!).  Why didn't the affirmations help?

Because I didn't believe those affirmations.  There weren't true for me at that time.  I had to first find a way to believe, for example, that I can make healthy eating choices before I could do it.  Belief comes first.  Action follows.

You will always, every time, experience in life what you expect to experience.  What you believe will happen does in fact happen.

The corollary of this is that if you do not believe that something will happen, it won't.  So if you do not believe that good things will come to you, they won't.  If you don't believe yourself worthy of being in a relationship with a loving, honest, caring spouse, you won't have that relationship.

You will experience the kinds of relationships that you expect to experience.

If you are currently in a relationship of any kind that is troublesome for you, pay attention to what you think and speak about this relationship -- to yourself and to others.

Frequently a person gets divorced and then in short order finds themselves in a new relationship that feels very much like the old one.  And the person may say something like "all men are alike," or "all women are the same."

And if you observe this person -- or maybe it's you we're speaking of -- you would probably find that the person consistently talks about their ex-spouse by listing all the negative traits and attributes or actions of that person.  Over and over again this person tells anyone who will listen the story of how horrible their ex-spouse is.

Then a new person comes into their life.  This new person seems nothing like the ex-spouse.  Off to a good start.  They fall in love.  This time will be different.

But if the person is still telling the old story of the failed relationship, then they are still in the energetic holding pattern of the one that failed.  Nothing changes.  New face, same relationship.

The good news is, you can change this pattern -- completely and permanently.  In fact, you can change the relationship you are in right now.  You may even be able to turn it around from thinking you may need to end it to finding that you enjoy the relationship after all.

How?  Here are four steps to follow.  

First, be clear about the relationship that you want.  I'm not talking about a superficial description of the person's physical appearance.  This is deeper.  How does the relationship feel?  What is the other person like?  How does that person treat you?  How do you feel when you are in relationship with this person?

You may find it helpful to think about relationships that you've had that were satisfying for you.  What are the common denominators in these relationships?  What were the people like?  More importantly, what were you like?

Now make a list of what you want in a mate (or boss or friend, whatever relationship you are working on).  You may say things like "I want a mate that respects me," or "I want to be with someone honest" or "I want to meet someone to share my life with who makes me laugh every day."  Be very specific.  This is your order.  Don't hold back.  Don't censor yourself.  Go for it all!   You deserve it.

Now the second step.  How are you thinking and speaking about your current relationship?  Really pay attention to yourself over the next week or so.  Are you going to work and complaining about your spouse?  What is your current "story" about this relationship?  Write it down.  Be honest with yourself.

Put the "story" away for a day or two and then go back and read it.  Is your story primarily negative?  If it is, take the time right now to do two things.  First, write down no less than ten positive things about this person and/or the relationship.  Second, make a commitment to yourself to stop talking negatively about it.  You don't have to lie and make up positive statements that you don't believe.  But don't allow yourself -- either internally or in dialog with others -- to talk negatively about the other person or the relationship.  Try to do this for at least a week.  See how that feels.

The third step may be the hardest.  Take the list you created in step 1 of the perfect relationship.  Now, apply this list to your relationship with yourself.  For example, if you said "I want my spouse to respect me," ask yourself, "Do I respect myself?"  Or do you pull out the inner critic and start putting yourself down at every turn?

Be brutally honest here.  Remember, any lies are lies you are saying to yourself.  This is no one else's business.  This is just for you.  Do this self-assessment for every trait on your list from step 1.

If you find that you are not enjoying the perfect relationship with yourself that you want with another, stop here at this stage for a while and work on improving your relationship with yourself.  Pay attention to that inner critic.  Give yourself the space to pursue your own good health.  Get the assistance you need -- from inspirational books to talking with friends or perhaps some personal coaching.  Invest the time and funds you need to really put your own house in order.

Create a new story for how you are in relationship with yourself.  Throw out the old story.  From this day forward tell only the new and improved story.

Once you have spent the time to bring yourself into alignment with where you want to be (at least most of the time), you are ready for the fourth and final step.  You are now ready to shift your focus to your relationship with another.

How?

You don't need to speak to the other about any of this.  No need for therapy.  You don't need counseling or a big pow wow.

Simply BE the person that you ordered.

Take your list from step 1 and practice being exactly the type of person you described for yourself.  If you want honest, be honest.  If you want caring, be caring.  If you want fun, be fun.

Model the behavior that you want to see in others.

    But you say, "Natalie, if he's not honest with me, how can I be honest with him?

THIS IS THE SINGLE BIGGEST AND JUST ABOUT UNIVERSAL MISTAKE THAT PEOPLE MAKE IN RELATIONSHIPS.  I call it the "NA-NA-NA-NA boo boo" argument.  It's straight from pre-school.  "Well she did it to me, so I'll do it to her."  "Well he treats me bad, so why should I be good to him."

This can be very subtle and go unnoticed.  Over time it builds until neither spouse or partner is being kind and honest and all those good things to each other any more.

    In this situation, you are defining your own behavior in reaction to the behavior of another rather than by your own internal guidance of how you want to behave and how it feels good for you to behave.

You need to end that pattern -- drop the history of how it's always been.  At this moment, right now, begin telling a new story.  Be to yourself the partner that you seek.  Be to your partner the partner that you seek.

If you do this consistently, you will -- very quickly -- find that you are surrounded with beautiful, fulfilling relationships.  You will experience the relationship that you ordered.

Place your order now.  Let me know how it turns out.  

Secret Life of your Spouse

Did you know that your spouse has a secret life?  He's living it right now.  Each day as he goes to work, he enters his own secret world - a world you may know nothing about.

Of course you have a secret life too.  And your spouse may know nothing at all about your secret world either.

"What is this secret life?"    

It's the world of each person's inner feelings, beliefs and thoughts.  Each of us has within us a well of secrets, growing and morphing each day.

But do we explore this secret world of our partner?  Or do we live our life based on history and assumptions?

We frequently take actions based on what we think others are thinking.  Mates sometimes get what I call the "preemptive mad."  You get mad at your spouse because you think that your spouse is mad at you.  "Well, if he's mad at me, then I'll be mad at him!"

That'll show him.

This might (hopefully!) sound ridiculous when you read it.  But is it possible that you do this in your relationship?  Do you ever act, react or get into an emotional state based purely on what you think your partner is thinking?

If you deny doing this ("No, not me, I never do that!"), then I challenge you.  Observe yourself for an entire week.  Really pay attention to your emotions.  If you get angry or perturbed or have some other negative emotion toward your mate, ask yourself "Why am I feeling this way?"  Is it something your mate did or said?  Or, it is something that you think they're thinking or a motivation or desire you are ascribing to them?

Frequently in my mediation practice I see this preemptive assumption at work.  And in a negotiation of any kind, this tendency to act (or ask) based on assumptions can become quite problematic.  How it frequently -- and disturbingly - manifests is that a spouse won't even assert her own need or request because "I know he won't agree."

How do you know?  Did he tell you?

"Well, no.  I didn't ask.  I just know he'll say no."

In this example, she is assuming his response and attributing to him wants or desires or beliefs that she thinks he has without ever having asked.

The effect of acting based on assumptions is that she has effectively shut herself down.  She has censored herself.  In other posts I've talked about the importance of a woman being able to determine what her own needs are.  This post deals with a second way that women frequently sabotage their own needs.  In this instance, she knows what she needs and wants but she doesn't even assert that need or ask for what she wants because of her own internal assumption that she knows the answer will be no.

There are two things going on here.  One is the belief (a wrong belief) that she knows that he will say.  The other is that the answer "no" is the worst word in the English language and should be avoided at all costs (an assumption that will be discussed in more detail in a future post).¹  The fact of the matter is we do NOT know what anyone else is really thinking.  Our spouse has a secret life (just like we do) and there is never a way to know the true heart, motivations and beliefs of another in any given moment.

"Yeah, but Natalie, I've been with him for 30 years and he has never wanted to do things like that before so I know he won't now."

I know that past experience can surely make you feel that you have an indicator of future preference or action.  But the truth is, you really don't know unless you ask.  This time may be different.  Perhaps you'll be able to make your request from your true heart of knowing (rather than a needy, pleadful place) and it will come across to him completely different than before.

Women need to remember that for most men -- even men who are going through a divorce from their wives -- want to make women happy.  They want to give us what we want.  They really do.

A huge frustration for many men is that "she won't tell me what she wants."  A previous post talked about how to get at the heart of "what you want."  Now its time to ask for it.  Don't censor yourself with assumptions about how he'll respond.

The bottom line is that you don't know what your mate is thinking.  You don't.

Many people take history (all the things he ever said about this topic or related to this topic) in the past and use that to form an assumption about what your spouse is going to say now about your request.  You've got your spouse all figured out.  You know him.

But where's the communication here?  Where's the dialog?  Where's the allowance for the fact that people change and grow?  Where's the respect for your spouse's opinions, thoughts and beliefs.  Going through life making assumptions about the present issues based on your history shuts down a lot of possibility.  Making assumptions is dangerous to a relationship.

Your mate has a secret life -- the life of thoughts, feelings and beliefs.  Many, many thoughts and feelings in a day (even for men!).  Most - the vast majority - of thoughts and feelings remain unexpressed.

Think of it this way:  Have you ever said to your spouse "You don't know how I feel!"  When your thinking about your own emotions and thoughts, you have to acknowledge that you don't share all of it with your partner.  You probably share an extremely small portion of your thoughts and feelings with your partner.

Your partner has a secret life -- just like you -- and it's a good thing that he does.  That secret life within each of us is the place of mystery and intrigue.  When you first got together with your spouse/partner, it was this mystery that drew you in (perhaps along with a great amount of sexual attraction!).  But over time, the sexual desire will wane (normal in relationships of sexual attraction).  What is left is the inner life - the mystery, the intrigue of that person's very soul.  What a land of never-ending fertile discovery!

But what also happens in long-term relationships is that we stop asking questions.  We begin to assume we know all the answers.  Even though we ourselves are growing and changing, we assume that person we're sharing our life with has stopped.  They are the same as they were and we assume we know all about it.

What would happen in your relationship if you began discovering the mysteries of your partner's secret life?  It's a journey that could last a lifetime.  You never get to the bottom of that well.  There's always something left in reserve, for each of you.

Don't assume.  Explore!

¹ A future post will explore how "no" can be an invitation to co-creation rather than the end of a discussion.

Believe your Relationship Better

There is growing awareness and discussion of the Law of Attraction.  Many have read or seen "The Secret?" Like unto like. What you think is what you live.

If you think something long enough, it becomes a belief.  Our lives play out pretty much as we believe that they will. 

How do we apply these concepts to relationships?  It's fairly easy to grasp the concept of "think rich, get rich" (though much harder to do!).  But can you think your perfect mate (or friend or boss or any other relationship) into being?

Yes, you can.

The truth is, how you are has a much larger impact on how others are around you than most people are aware of.  You will, in every situation, live the life that you are attracting to yourself through your own words, deeds and thoughts.  This includes the people that are around you.

If you are unhappy with your current love relationship, ask yourself, "What are my beliefs about this person?"  You may also ask yourself, "What are my beliefs about long-term love relationships?"

Beliefs are not hopes.

Beliefs are what you always think will happen in a given situation.  It is how you think the person will always be.  You believe it -- not hope it.  Big difference.

Do you ever find yourself saying to yourself -- or even directly to your partner, "You always _____________________________ (fill in the blank)."  If you do, note it.  Become aware of when you do this.  Write it down and keep track.  This kind of talk indicates a thought pattern -- most usually negative -- that you have about this person.

"You never listen to me."

This kind of statement is more about your belief than it is about reality.  And guess what?  The more you think it, the more you will say it, and the more you say it, the more you belief it and think it, and the more you think it and believe it, the more it will come to be present in your reality.  If you believe that your partner doesn't listen to you, that is the result you will get.  Guaranteed.  Every time.

The really great news is that you can actually change how your partner (or any other relationship) is with you by changing how you believe.

How?  How do you change a belief?

By speaking differently.  By thinking differently.  By acting differently yourself.  Consistently.

What if instead of spending your mental energy thinking about all the negative attributes of your mate or all the things you'd like to change, what if you spent your time thinking instead of how you'd like your mate to be?  Make a list.  Write it out.  "My Perfect Mate/Relationship."  Dream your mate the way you want him or her to be.  Your list may say something like, "My mate listens attentively to me when I speak to him/her."  Really visualize this.  Picture you and your mate sitting, having a cup of tea or coffee and your partner is listening intently to you.  Repeat often.

"But he/she isn't that way Natalie," you'll protest.

Maybe not.  But they can be.  Or, perhaps this mate isn't the one, but as you consistently envision the mate that you want, changes will occur to bring that person into your life.

Now here is an even trickier part.  Model the behavior/action that you want to see in your relationship(s).  Be the partner you'd like to have.

If you do this consistently, you will be amazed at the results that you will have.  And quickly.

Focus and do your best.  This is important work for you -- for all of us.  A lifetime of joy is at stake here -- Dedicate yourself!

Start out with a clear, focused goal.  For one week, be the mate you desire -- all day, every day, for all seven days.

Now, find quiet time alone and assess.  How well did you achieve your goal of matching the "My Perfect Mate/Relationship" criteria that you created?  Be honest with yourself.

And during that week, what did you observe in your mate?  Did you see a shift?  Was it favorable?  Did you enjoy your mate and your relationship more this week?

If you did your best to model the "perfect mate" and your mate did not shift in any perceptible way, then maybe you are with someone who truly is "pinched off" and not receptive to the relationship that you are seeking.  If you honestly did your best and Sluggo didn't budge, maybe the two of you are not a good match at this time.

And guess what?  That's okay.  It's painful to end things that were once good.  But we -- all of us -- are constantly changing.  It may just be that you and your mate are no longer a good match.

But, if you observed your mate shift favorably during your experiment week -- any amount of observable shift counts -- then maybe it's not time to throw in the towel and move on.  Perhaps the two of you are in sync and all it will take is some retraining of your beliefs and expectations.

That's right -- beliefs.  When you spent a week focusing your thoughts and your actions on being the caring, attentive, loving mate (and all other attributes/actions you want), you were shifting your beliefs and expectations.  And your mate's behavior changed too because he or she was responding to the new expectation you were sending out.  The Law of Attraction at work.

I don't think anyone quite has a grip yet on how or why this works.  But it does work and really that's all we need to know.

Try it.  It's fun and you will see results immediately.

Live the life -- and have the relationships -- your heart desires.