Once you have decided to get divorced, before you hire a lawyer or mediator or file paperwork, you should take the time to get clear on where you're going. And before you can "Get What you Want" (see prior post), you need to know what you want. The first step in your divorce process is to spend the time to determine your own needs and wants. This post will discuss how to do that.
You may be asking "Why is this important?" It is important because in a divorce negotiation it is imperative to know what your own needs are; to know what is important to you. If you are clear about your own needs and wants, you can then judge any proposal from your spouse against your own set of guide posts. This will keep you from having knee-jerk responses.
Additionally, in order to move the negotiation forward, you need to know what does work for you. While both men and women will benefit from this post, Ladies, I'm particularly talking to you! I have seen many cases where the husband proposes a solution and the wife says no to it. Then he asks "Well, what do you want?" And she can't answer! I've even seen cases where the husband practically gives the wife a blank check -- here, fill in what you want-- and she can't even fill in the blanks! In these situations, the wife is really clear about what she doesn't want, but not clear on what she does want.
Not only does this stall the negotiation (or even bring it to an end), but it also puts the person who can't articulate their own needs and wants at a disadvantage. How can you bargain for your own best interests when you don't know what your best interests are?
And don't think that if you hire a lawyer you don't have this issue. If you hire a lawyer to represent you, you still need to be able to articulate to your attorney what your interests are. Most attorneys either don't try to help their clients determine their needs or lack the ability to help you with this piece.
So now that you understand why you should spend time on this, now lets discuss how. In order to discuss how, lets first discuss what I mean by a "need."
A need can be something tangible. We all have what may be referred to as "basic needs," such as shelter, nourishment, clothing, etc. In addition to these basic needs of every day living, there are other needs, often intangible, that we all have. For each of us there are "core needs," those things that may be intangible but we still either can't live or are miserable without them. An example of a core need may be freedom.
Now lets discuss how to determine your needs. A helpful exercise is to make a list of words that come to mind that identify your needs. Do this exercise in a quiet place and when you have plenty of time. Relax and let go of your conscious mind. Let this list flow in a stream of conscious way and write it as rapidly as the words come to mind. List as many things that you can think of in answer to this question: "What is it that I can't live without?"
After you have listed the needs, take a look at the list and circle three that you must have. In this exercise, you can only take three and all others have to go. What three are more important than all the others? These three core needs or values are your highest priority. Remember them.
Now, choose just one out of the three. The other two must go; you can only have one. Which will it be?
The last one, this one out of many, is the one thing or trait or quality that you can't live without. You must have this each day, all the time, and in every situation in order to feel comfortable.
Was it hard to choose? This exercise helps you not only to see what is important to you but also to prioritize the needs as well.
Now you may be saying "OK, that was interesting but what does it have to do with my divorce?"
It has everything to do with your divorce. Before you go into a negotiation, you should ground yourself by knowing your core needs and values; know what is truly important to you.
Why? Because a negotiation is a compromise. There will be times when you and your spouse say that you "want" the same thing (the house, for example). There are items you may be willing to let go but others that you must stand firm on. How do you know what to let go if you haven't done your inner work to determine your priorities and core needs?
Lets look at an example of how this works in practice. Say for example that one of your core needs is freedom. It's in the top three for you. You have said that you "want" the house and your spouse also wants the house. But your house has two mortgages and is upside down. Perhaps it's a large home and an older home with lots of future maintenance. When determining whether you really "want" this item of property, consider how it squares with your core need for freedom. Will it offer you the freedom you are looking for?
In this example, you may choose to say "Okay Spouse, I agree that you take the house." Then you will articulate a proposal for other property that you want instead -- property that squares with your need for freedom.
This is just an example and there may be many other considerations/needs to consider. But this gives you an idea of how this works in action.
Let me say a word on "wants" versus "needs." Clients most often come into the mediation or into their lawyer with a list of wants. "I want the house and my 401(k) and the Honda and this much support, etc." Most frequently this list was put together without any consideration of that person's own needs. So going back to the example above, you may come into the negotiation thinking you want to keep the house, but if you identified freedom as your core need/value, you may conclude that "No, if I keep the house it will not enhance my freedom." Then you decide you don't want the house. If you take the time to articulate to yourself your core needs and values, it will be easier to determine your "wants." YOUR WANTS FLOW FROM YOUR NEEDS.
So then what? Perhaps your spouse proposed that you take the house and you determine that it does not meet your needs so you say "No, that won't work for me," and you articulate why. Then your spouse will say, "Well, what do you want?"
And here is where it frequently does so wrong! You now articulate what will work for you based on your analysis of your needs versus available options. Here's what you don't do:
DON'T complain about all the reasons you shouldn't be burdened with the house.
DON'T complain about how your spouse is always trying to stick you with the problems.
DON'T go into a diatribe about how bad your spouse is and state every beef you've ever had with him/her.
I think you get the picture. You state no to the proposal (if the proposal doesn't work for you); you state why the proposal won't work for you; THEN YOU ARTICULATE A COUNTER-PROPOSAL of what will work for you. This is the process for the entire negotiation. A back and forth of proposed solutions.
Ladies, a special word to you. Your husband can handle the word no. He really can. What makes him nuts is when you say no but then don't follow up with what will work or a proposal or solution. No, no, no, no without any possibilities thrown in just starts to sound like "there's no solution here." He may not agree with your counter-proposal (so don't get defensive and lose your mind at him -- a future post topic!), but listen now to his counter-proposal he makes in response. He may not agree with you, but he will respect you for stating your needs and proposing a solution. And he is more likely to continue to listen to you and your proposals.
So remember: 1) Know your core needs; 2) Judge any and all proposals against how it will either enhance or diminish your needs; and 3) If you say no, be prepared to offer an alternative solution.
If you would like help with pre-divorce planning or just getting a grip on what you do need and want, contact me for a private coaching session. Together we'll get to the bottom of it.