Divorce the Right Way

5 Reasons You Should Have a Prenup Before You Get Married

When you are in love and contemplating marriage, entering into a contract negotiation with your betrothed may be the last thing on your mind.  Wedding details, the guest list and the honeymoon may be all you can see.

Or you may be thinking, "I'm not going to be getting divorced.  Why should I have a prenup?"

Or maybe people have told you that you need a prenup, but you don't know how to broach the subject with your soon-to-be spouse.

Or maybe you think that prenups are only for the super wealthy, and if you don't have a lot of money you don't need a prenuptial agreement.

All of those ideas (and more) keep people from signing what could be the most important document of their life.  Here are 5 reasons you SHOULD SIGN A PRENUPTIAL agreement before you get married:

1.  PROTECT SEPARATE PROPERTY

    I live and practice in a community property law state.  In community property states, property owned prior to marriage OR property acquired during the marriage by gift, devise or descent (inheritance included) is the separate property of the person who acquired it.

    Property you own prior to marriage does NOT become community property (joint property) simply by virtue of marriage.  If you keep your property separate (i.e. don't put it in  a joint bank account or put your spouse's name on the title or account), then the separate property remains separate.

    But what about earnings, interest, dividends and such?  Do earnings or increases in value during the marriage remain separate property?

    In some states the answer is no.

    Creating a prenuptial agreement is THE WAY to ensure that your separate property remains separate, regardless of where you live in the future.  When you enter into a prenuptial agreement, you and your betrothed disclose all assets, debts and income.  The property and debts (and the values) are included in the agreement setting a baseline for each spouse.  The Prenuptial Agreement clearly defines each spouse's separate property and you can state in your agreement that all income, earnings, increases in value, etc. will remain separate property.  In the event of a divorce or death, your prenup can be invaluable in proving your claims to your separate property.

2.  IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN FROM A PRIOR RELATIONSHIP

    If either of you have children from a prior relationship, you need a prenup.  In this situation more than any other - regardless of your net worth - a prenup is invaluable.  Why?

    Because you can clearly delineate financial responsibility and expectations regarding support of minor and/or college-aged children.

    Because you can clearly delineate your separate property.  And this is extremely important in the event of your death.  If you pre-decease your new spouse, chances are good that you want all or a portion of your estate to go to your children.  You need a will (I can't stress that enough!), but you should also have a prenup.  These two documents, used in conjunction with each other, will protect the rights of your children in the event of your death.

    If you are contemplating marriage and have children from a prior relationship, you absolutely should have a consultation with a lawyer who drafts prenuptials about whether or not you need a prenup.

3.    IMPROVED MARITAL RELATIONSHIP

    I know this one is hard to believe, but if you sit down with your intended and discuss the areas to be covered in a prenup, you may very well improve your future marriage.

    Many couples do not discuss issues such as monthly budgets, net worth, debts or other financial issues before they get married.  If your spouse is coming into the marriage saddled with significant consumer debt, don't you think you should know?  If your spouse is a penny pincher who keeps track of every dime coming in and going out on a spreadsheet or handwritten ledger (I've seen both in my divorce practice), and you are a free-spirited spend what you want without a care person, don't you want to know that?  You need to know each spouse's attitudes about money and spending/saving styles BEFORE you enter into this important LEGAL relationship.

    The disclosure required for a prenuptial is, in itself, worth the process.  Additionally, discussing your intentions and expectations regarding money can  set the tone for a more open and honest relationship about money in your marriage.

    There are other issues you can and should discuss as well, such as issues about having children an raising them, and spousal maintenance (alimony) in the event of a divorce.  These conversations can be very revealing.

4.    PROTECTION OF YOUR INCOME AND ASSETS FROM DEBT OF YOUR SPOUSE

    In Arizona (check in your own state if different), debts incurred during the marriage are community debt (meanign both spouses are jointly and severally liable) -- EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T SIGN FOR IT OR DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT!  This comes as a shock to a lot of people when they get divorced.  "But I didn't even know he had that credit card," she may say, or "She ran that up without my knowledge," he may say.

    When your estate gets divided (upon divorce or death), ALL debts incurred during the marriage are divided equally -- period.¹  How can you prevent yourself from being liable for your spouse's spending?

    A prenuptial agreement may be the only way.  In Arizona, the court's have held, for example, that a spouse was not liable for his wife's nursing home care since the spouse's had a prenuptial and the husband did not sign as a responsible party for the debt. 

    The key is to put potential creditors "on notice" of your prenuptial.  Discuss with an attorney how you can protect yourself by putting future creditors "on notice."

    This is an extremely important aspect of prenuptial agreements.  With a prenup, you may be able to protect yourself from being responsible for debt that you did not specifically agree to.

5.    KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING INTO BEFORE YOU TIE THE KNOT

    While you're still in the swoon of love, you may not be thinking about the fact that you are entering into an important legal relationship - one that carries significant legal and financial consequences.  You should be informed about the laws and how marriage affects you legally and financially BEFORE you get married.

    Before you say "I do," know what you're saying "I do" to!  If you own a house prior to marriage, how will getting married affect the title and/or equity in the house?  What about taxes - what are the tax consequences of getting married?  Will you be responsible for your spouse's pre-marital debt?  Will you be responsible for financial support of your spouse's children after marriage?

    These are just a few of the questions you should be asking - and getting answers to - before getting married.

     After consultation with a prenup lawyer, you may decide that you don't want a prenup.  That's okay - at least your decision will be an informed one.  But take the time to at least talk with a lawyer about the legal consequences to you of your marriage.

Marriage is Great Comedic Fodder

Every day in my business I witness first hand the oftentimes difficult interaction and communication between men and women.  One of the ways I like to unwind from this intense and tension filled work is to listen to comedy on XM.  There are some really funny bits out there about the relationship between men and women.

I really enjoy John Heffron's comedy and his observations of everyday life.  His material about his relationship issues with his wife are spot on.  I think it's so funny because we can relate.  Here's a bit that illustrates in a really funny way one of the communication differences between men and women.  This is only about 1.5 minutes long (it may take a few seconds to download and a player screen will pop up).

Download 10 How's Billy_

Doesn't that just about sum it up?

If you have funny comedy bits you've heard about the "Mars" & "Venus" relationship, post a comment or pop me an e-mail about it.  Enjoy!

Creating the Relationships that You Want

    When a person is looking for a change -- whether it is a change in their relationship, their job, their money or whatever -- wise friends and advisers often suggest writing affirmations.  Sounds like a good idea.

But affirmations frequently do not work.  Why?

    Because if you do not believe the words in the affirmation, then it has no power for you.  You will get in life what you expect to get -- what you believe you will get.  This applies to money, career, house, car -- and relationships too.

I have a personal story for you about affirmations.  Some years back I went to a hypnotherapist to work on weight loss.  I was looking for the "miracle" cure.  She gave me tapes with her voicing speaking soothing affirmations.  "I make health eating choices," the voice said, or "I enjoy my body." 

I listened to these tapes daily for six months (in addition to hypnotherapy sessions).  I didn't lose a pound (in fact, I gained weight!).  Why didn't the affirmations help?

Because I didn't believe those affirmations.  There weren't true for me at that time.  I had to first find a way to believe, for example, that I can make healthy eating choices before I could do it.  Belief comes first.  Action follows.

You will always, every time, experience in life what you expect to experience.  What you believe will happen does in fact happen.

The corollary of this is that if you do not believe that something will happen, it won't.  So if you do not believe that good things will come to you, they won't.  If you don't believe yourself worthy of being in a relationship with a loving, honest, caring spouse, you won't have that relationship.

You will experience the kinds of relationships that you expect to experience.

If you are currently in a relationship of any kind that is troublesome for you, pay attention to what you think and speak about this relationship -- to yourself and to others.

Frequently a person gets divorced and then in short order finds themselves in a new relationship that feels very much like the old one.  And the person may say something like "all men are alike," or "all women are the same."

And if you observe this person -- or maybe it's you we're speaking of -- you would probably find that the person consistently talks about their ex-spouse by listing all the negative traits and attributes or actions of that person.  Over and over again this person tells anyone who will listen the story of how horrible their ex-spouse is.

Then a new person comes into their life.  This new person seems nothing like the ex-spouse.  Off to a good start.  They fall in love.  This time will be different.

But if the person is still telling the old story of the failed relationship, then they are still in the energetic holding pattern of the one that failed.  Nothing changes.  New face, same relationship.

The good news is, you can change this pattern -- completely and permanently.  In fact, you can change the relationship you are in right now.  You may even be able to turn it around from thinking you may need to end it to finding that you enjoy the relationship after all.

How?  Here are four steps to follow.  

First, be clear about the relationship that you want.  I'm not talking about a superficial description of the person's physical appearance.  This is deeper.  How does the relationship feel?  What is the other person like?  How does that person treat you?  How do you feel when you are in relationship with this person?

You may find it helpful to think about relationships that you've had that were satisfying for you.  What are the common denominators in these relationships?  What were the people like?  More importantly, what were you like?

Now make a list of what you want in a mate (or boss or friend, whatever relationship you are working on).  You may say things like "I want a mate that respects me," or "I want to be with someone honest" or "I want to meet someone to share my life with who makes me laugh every day."  Be very specific.  This is your order.  Don't hold back.  Don't censor yourself.  Go for it all!   You deserve it.

Now the second step.  How are you thinking and speaking about your current relationship?  Really pay attention to yourself over the next week or so.  Are you going to work and complaining about your spouse?  What is your current "story" about this relationship?  Write it down.  Be honest with yourself.

Put the "story" away for a day or two and then go back and read it.  Is your story primarily negative?  If it is, take the time right now to do two things.  First, write down no less than ten positive things about this person and/or the relationship.  Second, make a commitment to yourself to stop talking negatively about it.  You don't have to lie and make up positive statements that you don't believe.  But don't allow yourself -- either internally or in dialog with others -- to talk negatively about the other person or the relationship.  Try to do this for at least a week.  See how that feels.

The third step may be the hardest.  Take the list you created in step 1 of the perfect relationship.  Now, apply this list to your relationship with yourself.  For example, if you said "I want my spouse to respect me," ask yourself, "Do I respect myself?"  Or do you pull out the inner critic and start putting yourself down at every turn?

Be brutally honest here.  Remember, any lies are lies you are saying to yourself.  This is no one else's business.  This is just for you.  Do this self-assessment for every trait on your list from step 1.

If you find that you are not enjoying the perfect relationship with yourself that you want with another, stop here at this stage for a while and work on improving your relationship with yourself.  Pay attention to that inner critic.  Give yourself the space to pursue your own good health.  Get the assistance you need -- from inspirational books to talking with friends or perhaps some personal coaching.  Invest the time and funds you need to really put your own house in order.

Create a new story for how you are in relationship with yourself.  Throw out the old story.  From this day forward tell only the new and improved story.

Once you have spent the time to bring yourself into alignment with where you want to be (at least most of the time), you are ready for the fourth and final step.  You are now ready to shift your focus to your relationship with another.

How?

You don't need to speak to the other about any of this.  No need for therapy.  You don't need counseling or a big pow wow.

Simply BE the person that you ordered.

Take your list from step 1 and practice being exactly the type of person you described for yourself.  If you want honest, be honest.  If you want caring, be caring.  If you want fun, be fun.

Model the behavior that you want to see in others.

    But you say, "Natalie, if he's not honest with me, how can I be honest with him?

THIS IS THE SINGLE BIGGEST AND JUST ABOUT UNIVERSAL MISTAKE THAT PEOPLE MAKE IN RELATIONSHIPS.  I call it the "NA-NA-NA-NA boo boo" argument.  It's straight from pre-school.  "Well she did it to me, so I'll do it to her."  "Well he treats me bad, so why should I be good to him."

This can be very subtle and go unnoticed.  Over time it builds until neither spouse or partner is being kind and honest and all those good things to each other any more.

    In this situation, you are defining your own behavior in reaction to the behavior of another rather than by your own internal guidance of how you want to behave and how it feels good for you to behave.

You need to end that pattern -- drop the history of how it's always been.  At this moment, right now, begin telling a new story.  Be to yourself the partner that you seek.  Be to your partner the partner that you seek.

If you do this consistently, you will -- very quickly -- find that you are surrounded with beautiful, fulfilling relationships.  You will experience the relationship that you ordered.

Place your order now.  Let me know how it turns out.  

Secret Life of your Spouse

Did you know that your spouse has a secret life?  He's living it right now.  Each day as he goes to work, he enters his own secret world - a world you may know nothing about.

Of course you have a secret life too.  And your spouse may know nothing at all about your secret world either.

"What is this secret life?"    

It's the world of each person's inner feelings, beliefs and thoughts.  Each of us has within us a well of secrets, growing and morphing each day.

But do we explore this secret world of our partner?  Or do we live our life based on history and assumptions?

We frequently take actions based on what we think others are thinking.  Mates sometimes get what I call the "preemptive mad."  You get mad at your spouse because you think that your spouse is mad at you.  "Well, if he's mad at me, then I'll be mad at him!"

That'll show him.

This might (hopefully!) sound ridiculous when you read it.  But is it possible that you do this in your relationship?  Do you ever act, react or get into an emotional state based purely on what you think your partner is thinking?

If you deny doing this ("No, not me, I never do that!"), then I challenge you.  Observe yourself for an entire week.  Really pay attention to your emotions.  If you get angry or perturbed or have some other negative emotion toward your mate, ask yourself "Why am I feeling this way?"  Is it something your mate did or said?  Or, it is something that you think they're thinking or a motivation or desire you are ascribing to them?

Frequently in my mediation practice I see this preemptive assumption at work.  And in a negotiation of any kind, this tendency to act (or ask) based on assumptions can become quite problematic.  How it frequently -- and disturbingly - manifests is that a spouse won't even assert her own need or request because "I know he won't agree."

How do you know?  Did he tell you?

"Well, no.  I didn't ask.  I just know he'll say no."

In this example, she is assuming his response and attributing to him wants or desires or beliefs that she thinks he has without ever having asked.

The effect of acting based on assumptions is that she has effectively shut herself down.  She has censored herself.  In other posts I've talked about the importance of a woman being able to determine what her own needs are.  This post deals with a second way that women frequently sabotage their own needs.  In this instance, she knows what she needs and wants but she doesn't even assert that need or ask for what she wants because of her own internal assumption that she knows the answer will be no.

There are two things going on here.  One is the belief (a wrong belief) that she knows that he will say.  The other is that the answer "no" is the worst word in the English language and should be avoided at all costs (an assumption that will be discussed in more detail in a future post).¹  The fact of the matter is we do NOT know what anyone else is really thinking.  Our spouse has a secret life (just like we do) and there is never a way to know the true heart, motivations and beliefs of another in any given moment.

"Yeah, but Natalie, I've been with him for 30 years and he has never wanted to do things like that before so I know he won't now."

I know that past experience can surely make you feel that you have an indicator of future preference or action.  But the truth is, you really don't know unless you ask.  This time may be different.  Perhaps you'll be able to make your request from your true heart of knowing (rather than a needy, pleadful place) and it will come across to him completely different than before.

Women need to remember that for most men -- even men who are going through a divorce from their wives -- want to make women happy.  They want to give us what we want.  They really do.

A huge frustration for many men is that "she won't tell me what she wants."  A previous post talked about how to get at the heart of "what you want."  Now its time to ask for it.  Don't censor yourself with assumptions about how he'll respond.

The bottom line is that you don't know what your mate is thinking.  You don't.

Many people take history (all the things he ever said about this topic or related to this topic) in the past and use that to form an assumption about what your spouse is going to say now about your request.  You've got your spouse all figured out.  You know him.

But where's the communication here?  Where's the dialog?  Where's the allowance for the fact that people change and grow?  Where's the respect for your spouse's opinions, thoughts and beliefs.  Going through life making assumptions about the present issues based on your history shuts down a lot of possibility.  Making assumptions is dangerous to a relationship.

Your mate has a secret life -- the life of thoughts, feelings and beliefs.  Many, many thoughts and feelings in a day (even for men!).  Most - the vast majority - of thoughts and feelings remain unexpressed.

Think of it this way:  Have you ever said to your spouse "You don't know how I feel!"  When your thinking about your own emotions and thoughts, you have to acknowledge that you don't share all of it with your partner.  You probably share an extremely small portion of your thoughts and feelings with your partner.

Your partner has a secret life -- just like you -- and it's a good thing that he does.  That secret life within each of us is the place of mystery and intrigue.  When you first got together with your spouse/partner, it was this mystery that drew you in (perhaps along with a great amount of sexual attraction!).  But over time, the sexual desire will wane (normal in relationships of sexual attraction).  What is left is the inner life - the mystery, the intrigue of that person's very soul.  What a land of never-ending fertile discovery!

But what also happens in long-term relationships is that we stop asking questions.  We begin to assume we know all the answers.  Even though we ourselves are growing and changing, we assume that person we're sharing our life with has stopped.  They are the same as they were and we assume we know all about it.

What would happen in your relationship if you began discovering the mysteries of your partner's secret life?  It's a journey that could last a lifetime.  You never get to the bottom of that well.  There's always something left in reserve, for each of you.

Don't assume.  Explore!

¹ A future post will explore how "no" can be an invitation to co-creation rather than the end of a discussion.

Divorce Attorneys Can be Useful . . . Sometimes!

    Any who have read my posts know that while I am a (recovering!) divorce attorney, I generally recommend against people “lawyering up” in divorce cases.  Mediation is a more economical, timely and emotionally satisfying process for most couples going through divorce.

    However, that doesn’t mean that there is no place for divorce attorneys in your divorce process, even if you choose mediation.  These are my recommendations about how to choose and use a divorce attorney in your mediation process.

 

Effective Use of Divorce Attorneys:

 

1. Ask attorneys legal advice.  That sounds self-evident, doesn’t it?  But, many divorce clients will spend their attorney’s time – and their money – venting about their relationship and going into details about the failed marriage – why their spouse is the “bad guy,” etc.  Attorneys charge for their time and advice.  And they are expensive.  Use their time wisely and get the most for your money.

 

    Before your attorney consultation, make a list of legal questions.  Take this list with you and ask the attorney these questions.  You don’t need to go into your life history or the list of all the wrongs of your spouse.  Allow the attorney to ask you the questions he or she needs to know to answer your question.  Answer the question and try not to get off track onto other topics.  If you follow this piece of advice, you will be able to make the most of your attorney time.

 

2. Listen!  You are seeing an attorney to get legal advice, not to complain or tell your whole life story.  It is amazing to me how often clients who come to see me for my advice will interrupt my every sentence and never stop talking long enough to hear the advice they came for!  If you know all the answers, then save your money!  But if you want legal advice, then listen to it.

 

3. See an attorney before your first mediation appointment.  Many of my clients wait to see an attorney until they have already reached agreement on all issues (or don’t see one at all).  I recommend that each party in a mediation have an attorney consultation before your first mediation or after the first mediation session.  This way, you have important legal information from the start and you’re not negotiating based on false assumptions/beliefs.  False beliefs can often be a stumbling block in mediations.  If one party (or both) are laboring under a false belief about the law or their legal rights/obligations it can lead to difficulty.  Get your legal facts straight from the start.

 

4. You may want to see your attorney for follow up after each mediation session.  This can be especially helpful if you have complicated legal issues in your divorce OR if you feel more secure going over potential agreements/issues with your lawyer before finalizing agreements.  This can be a very effective use of attorney time in your mediation process.  An experienced divorce attorney has processed hundreds or thousands of divorces.  He or she can be an excellent sounding board for you.  Their time is more expensive than talking to your “Aunt Sheila” or your friend or neighbor, but you’ll get better advice!

 

How to Choose a Divorce Attorney

 

    This is a really important piece of information.  There are a lot of attorneys out there and a lot of choices.  Do not choose an attorney that you don’t like or that you get a bad feeling from.  I cannot emphasize that enough.  You have a choice and you don’t have to go to someone just because “everyone” told you to go to that lawyer.

 

    If you talk around to friends, neighbors, family and colleagues, you may get the advice to go to Attorney X or Attorney Y because he/she is a “fighter” or “barracuda” or something of that nature.  And if you want to “fight,” then by all means go to Ms. Barracuda or Mr. Shark.  But if you are reading this blog, you’re probably looking for a more peaceful way to resolve your divorce issues.

 

    In that case, forget any advice to go to the sharks and barracudas.  There are plenty of lawyers in all jurisdictions that are highly skilled, experienced and committed to mediation and other processes that work toward peaceful resolution.  So here are some things to look for:

 

1. If the lawyer won’t give you advice by the hour, don’t go to that lawyer.  You shouldn’t have to pay a “retainer” or “advance fee” of thousands of dollars when you may want just a few 1-hour consultations.  Most attorneys will charge you by the hour and charge for only the time you use.  That’s what you want in the mediation process.

 

2. Choose a lawyer that listens to you.  Just as I said earlier that you should listen to the lawyer’s advice, the lawyer also should be a good listener.  If you are giving the lawyer information, they should be listening. If the lawyer takes telephone calls or allows interruptions during your consultation, don’t choose that lawyer.  Not only is that rude behavior, it shows that such a lawyer is not focused on your matter and isn’t putting you first.  During your hour with the lawyer, that lawyer should be focused solely on you (with exceptions being allowed for true emergencies which can happen).  The lawyer should be respectful of you and listen to your concerns and answer the questions you’ve asked.  If you feel the lawyer isn’t listening to you and/or isn’t a good communicator, move on.

 

3. Look for a lawyer who practices exclusively in “family law,” “divorce” or “domestic relations.”  You want competent advice.  You want to know the “straight scoop.”  You don’t want to waste your time and money on advice from someone who dabbles in divorce cases.  When you have a consultation with an attorney, you are paying for advice and the wisdom gained from experience.  Consult with an experienced divorce attorney.

 

4. Choose an experienced lawyer.  I have nothing against young lawyers who are fresh out of law school or who have only a few years of experience.  I once was one and I was very competent.  But, when you engage in mediation process, you are probably going to spend just a few hours with this lawyer.  You want advice that is based on significant experience in divorce law in your jurisdiction.  You want tight, to the point advice.  You don’t want someone to just tell you what you want to hear or promise you they’ll “get you what you want.”  If you look hard enough, I promise you that for enough money you’ll find a lawyer that will tell you what you want to hear.  That is not helpful to you (ever, no matter what process you choose).  But especially in mediation, you want someone to tell you like it is and to run best case/worst case scenarios with you and such.  You want to be able to ask the lawyer, “If I don’t settle this in mediation, what is likely to happen in court?”  And if you are seeing a “newbie” lawyer, that lawyer just isn’t going to have the kind of court experience to adequately answer that question.

 

    How much experience is a minimum?  I’m recommended that you see attorneys that have at least five (5) years of experience practicing exclusively in divorce and family law.  It really takes that long to have enough experience to be able to adequately advise you in the mediation process.

 

5. Research lawyers.  There is a lot of information available about attorneys on the internet.  Each state’s bar associations have websites (and most have information about their members).  Here you can get basic information about lawyers such as education, year they were admitted to practice and any disciplinary information.  You can also search lawyer websites as well as other sites such as www.Lawyers.com and www.Avvo.com .  You can get a good feel for the lawyer’s experience, area of practice and philosophy from this research.  This will help you narrow your list to two to three lawyers to interview.

 

6. Follow your instinct.  No matter how highly recommended or how many accolades an attorney has, if it doesn’t feel right, end your consultation and search for another lawyer.  I’ve represented clients in post-divorce cases where the client had another lawyer in the original case that they didn’t trust or felt wasn’t representing them well.  Almost without exception, the client would tell me (in those situations) that they didn’t feel good about the lawyer from the first consultation but the lawyer had been highly recommended, etc.  Such a client may spend thousands of dollars and many months being represented by a lawyer that the client didn’t trust.  DON’T DO THAT!  Go with your gut.  I don’t care whether the lawyer is “AV” rated or listed as “the best” in a publication or is a member of this or that academy or is recommended by everyone you talked to, if you get a bad vibe, trust it.  Your gut is never wrong.

 

    Please, though, do not mistake your gut feeling for your desire to hear what you want!  There is a difference.  It isn’t pleasant to have someone give you bad news or tell you that you’re unlikely to get what you desire in the divorce case.  That’s different than feeling like the lawyer isn’t listening to you or you just get a bad feeling.

 

 

    If you are getting a divorce, you have important legal decisions to make.  You deserve to make these decisions well informed and knowing all of your legal rights and obligations.  Take the time to do your research.  Spend the money that it takes to get competent, experienced legal advice.  It will be worth every penny and will assist you in your mediation process.

Divorce? Try it on For Size: Part II

    In a previous post (see 1/18/2010, "Considering Divorce?  Try It On For Size") I discussed a way to emotionally "try on" a divorce.  Now it is time to financially try on a divorce.

What do you mean by "financial divorce"?

In this "Try It On" game, you are going to imagine that you are divorced on paper.  The first step is to gather information about your assets and debts -- just like you would in a real divorce.  Get your current account balances for all IRA, 401(k), checking, savings, stocks and all debt accounts.  Get on www.zillow.com and estimate the value of your house.

Now that you've gathered the information, divide all the property and debts in half -- half to you and half to your spouse (on paper only!).*  Now imagine that you have access to only half of the assets and that you are responsible for half of the debts.

After you've completed this step, create a monthly budget for yourself.  (See my website, www.tucsonmediation.com, for a budget form to use.)  Create a realistic budget for yourself and any dependent children living with you.  Imagine that you are divorced.  What would your monthly living expenses be then?

Now take a look at your take-home pay and take a look at your spouse's take-home pay.  Do you have enough net income to pay your monthly expenses?  If you're working and your spouse is not, consider that in addition to your own monthly household budget, you may need to pay your spouse some monthly support.  If you aren't working but your spouse is, does he/she have enough net monthly pay to pay their own expenses AND help you out?

Taking a look at the whole financial picture, how is it shaping up?  ARe you in the black or the red after you divide the assets and take responsibility for half of the debts?

I want to make a note here about spousal maintenance (aka "alimony").  Spousal support is largely a need versus ability to pay issue.  People who "lawyer up" often spend thousands of dollars fighting over spousal maintenance.  The spouse seeking support (usually the wife) tries her best to beef up her need and her spouse's income and downplay her own ability to earn.  The potential payor (usually the husband) tries to show that his income is too low to support himself and his wife and he tries to show his wife's earning ability.

The issue is made more complicated than it need be.  Often these arguments get amped up because one or both parties cannot accept (or haven't been told) of the reality.

This is reality.  If you are a woman, spousal maintenance is NOT a "pay back" for a bad marriage.  You don't get maintenance (or more or longer maintenance) because your husband was an alcoholic or a skirt chaser or just a crappy husband.

You are awarded spousal maintenance because you've been a stay-at-home mom, for example, and have been out of the workforce for a period of time.  In a situation such as this, you are awarded spousal support that can help you get back on your own two feet.  It's not a reward or punishment.  It's a very dollars and sense analysis.  The issue is how long it will take you to get back on your feet and does he have the ability to pay.

And what about that budget?  Another reality.  You are NOT guaranteed the standard of living of the marriage.  The truth is that you once had one household to support -- now you'll have two.  Simple math.  There will be less for both of you.  So there is no point in "amping up" the monthly budget to make your need look higher (either party).  A judge will line through luxury items and be looking at what is the minimum required to maintain a person.

Reality for guys.  If she hasn't been working outside the home or has been working reduced hours or is disabled or otherwise has reduced earning capacity right now, you are going to pay spousal support.  Period. 

Another reality.  The longer you've been married and the longer she has been out of the workforce, the longer your obligation is likely to be to help her out financially.

What does all this mean for your "Try It On" game?  It means to be realistic.  If you have huge need but your spouse has little or no money left over each month due to his/her reasonable and realistic needs and obligations, then don't expect a huge monthly maintenance, even if you've been married a long time.  The math is the math.  A judge (or lawyer or mediator) cannot create a higher paying job for your spouse or work with money that's not there.

How do you feel about the way your finances look after playing this game?  How are you feeling about a divorce now?

I am not advocating that you stay in a marriage simply because you are worried over finances after a divorce. If you are miserable, get out.

But these "what if" exercises can help you become realistic about divorce and that is a very helpful thing.

It is my experience as both a lawyer and mediator that a lot of needless arguments go in divorce cases because one or both parties are not being realistic about finances.  If you do this "game" before you ever go see a lawyer or mediator, you will be well prepared for your divorce process.

 

*NOTE:  I am in a community property state where community assets and debts are generally divided equally.  Laws regarding division of property and debts vary from state-to-state so the law in your state may result in a different asset/debt split.

 

Believe your Relationship Better

There is growing awareness and discussion of the Law of Attraction.  Many have read or seen "The Secret?" Like unto like. What you think is what you live.

If you think something long enough, it becomes a belief.  Our lives play out pretty much as we believe that they will. 

How do we apply these concepts to relationships?  It's fairly easy to grasp the concept of "think rich, get rich" (though much harder to do!).  But can you think your perfect mate (or friend or boss or any other relationship) into being?

Yes, you can.

The truth is, how you are has a much larger impact on how others are around you than most people are aware of.  You will, in every situation, live the life that you are attracting to yourself through your own words, deeds and thoughts.  This includes the people that are around you.

If you are unhappy with your current love relationship, ask yourself, "What are my beliefs about this person?"  You may also ask yourself, "What are my beliefs about long-term love relationships?"

Beliefs are not hopes.

Beliefs are what you always think will happen in a given situation.  It is how you think the person will always be.  You believe it -- not hope it.  Big difference.

Do you ever find yourself saying to yourself -- or even directly to your partner, "You always _____________________________ (fill in the blank)."  If you do, note it.  Become aware of when you do this.  Write it down and keep track.  This kind of talk indicates a thought pattern -- most usually negative -- that you have about this person.

"You never listen to me."

This kind of statement is more about your belief than it is about reality.  And guess what?  The more you think it, the more you will say it, and the more you say it, the more you belief it and think it, and the more you think it and believe it, the more it will come to be present in your reality.  If you believe that your partner doesn't listen to you, that is the result you will get.  Guaranteed.  Every time.

The really great news is that you can actually change how your partner (or any other relationship) is with you by changing how you believe.

How?  How do you change a belief?

By speaking differently.  By thinking differently.  By acting differently yourself.  Consistently.

What if instead of spending your mental energy thinking about all the negative attributes of your mate or all the things you'd like to change, what if you spent your time thinking instead of how you'd like your mate to be?  Make a list.  Write it out.  "My Perfect Mate/Relationship."  Dream your mate the way you want him or her to be.  Your list may say something like, "My mate listens attentively to me when I speak to him/her."  Really visualize this.  Picture you and your mate sitting, having a cup of tea or coffee and your partner is listening intently to you.  Repeat often.

"But he/she isn't that way Natalie," you'll protest.

Maybe not.  But they can be.  Or, perhaps this mate isn't the one, but as you consistently envision the mate that you want, changes will occur to bring that person into your life.

Now here is an even trickier part.  Model the behavior/action that you want to see in your relationship(s).  Be the partner you'd like to have.

If you do this consistently, you will be amazed at the results that you will have.  And quickly.

Focus and do your best.  This is important work for you -- for all of us.  A lifetime of joy is at stake here -- Dedicate yourself!

Start out with a clear, focused goal.  For one week, be the mate you desire -- all day, every day, for all seven days.

Now, find quiet time alone and assess.  How well did you achieve your goal of matching the "My Perfect Mate/Relationship" criteria that you created?  Be honest with yourself.

And during that week, what did you observe in your mate?  Did you see a shift?  Was it favorable?  Did you enjoy your mate and your relationship more this week?

If you did your best to model the "perfect mate" and your mate did not shift in any perceptible way, then maybe you are with someone who truly is "pinched off" and not receptive to the relationship that you are seeking.  If you honestly did your best and Sluggo didn't budge, maybe the two of you are not a good match at this time.

And guess what?  That's okay.  It's painful to end things that were once good.  But we -- all of us -- are constantly changing.  It may just be that you and your mate are no longer a good match.

But, if you observed your mate shift favorably during your experiment week -- any amount of observable shift counts -- then maybe it's not time to throw in the towel and move on.  Perhaps the two of you are in sync and all it will take is some retraining of your beliefs and expectations.

That's right -- beliefs.  When you spent a week focusing your thoughts and your actions on being the caring, attentive, loving mate (and all other attributes/actions you want), you were shifting your beliefs and expectations.  And your mate's behavior changed too because he or she was responding to the new expectation you were sending out.  The Law of Attraction at work.

I don't think anyone quite has a grip yet on how or why this works.  But it does work and really that's all we need to know.

Try it.  It's fun and you will see results immediately.

Live the life -- and have the relationships -- your heart desires.

History has No Place in Your Divorce Process

If you are going through a divorce, you will have a tendency to think about the past.  You will think about your history together as a couple.  You will think about the good times and be sad at all that was lost.  You will think about the bad times and the rotten things your spouse has done or said and use it to justify why you are feeling so angry or bitter at your spouse now.  But good or bad, the "Marriage History" has no place in your divorce process.

    "Why," you ask?

    Because the Marriage History is made up of memories -- things past.  And the past is not happening now.  NOW is all that is relevant.  Now is the only thing that matters.

    "But important things happened back there," you plead.  "We've got to talk about that.  We've got to go over it.  We've got to make sure we both understand what happened back then.  And, I want to make sure that my lawyer and mediator and judge and anyone else who will listen to me hears my story of how this all went so wrong and how it's all my spouse's fault!"

No, we don't have to "understand" what happened back then.  No, it isn't important.  No, your lawyer or mediator or judge do not need to hear all about the Marriage History.  And no, it's not all your spouse's fault.

I can hear you protesting.  But listen to these truths about Marriage History:

1. You cannot change what happened.  You know that to be true.  You cannot go back and undo a wrong.  You cannot go back and change what was said.  You cannot undo history.

BUT, you DO have control over what you are doing and saying and thinking NOW.  Now is the only place where you have power.  Talking about and dwelling on your past -- your history-- distracts you from your real business which is being aware of and in control of your now.

2. There are two sides to every history and your Marriage History is no exception.  Your "truth" about the Marriage History is not an absolute truth.  Your "truth" about your history is biased.  It is colored by your feelings, by your wishes about how you wanted it to go, by your need to be right (or at least not perceived as wrong or bad) -- in short, it cannot be trusted as an accurate reflection of the "truth" of things.  And your spouse -- well he or she has a story that almost without exception will differ from yours.  Does that mean one of you is lying?  No, it is totally logical for there to be two stories because each of you perceived it -- actually observed it -- differently.  So there is is no "Truth."  It really is relative. 

The only thing you know for certain in any given moment is what is happening for you right now.  So doesn't it make sense to be here, present in this moment, where you are certain about what's going on around you and inside of you?

3. In a divorce proceeding, the Marriage History is legally irrelevant, so it is a very costly waste of your financial resources to spend money on trying to convince your lawyer or mediator or a judge of the "Truth" of your Marriage History.  You read that right.  Irrelevant.  Who was a bad guy or good guy, who was mean or nice, who did the work and who was lazy -- legally irrelevant to divorce proceedings.  Lets be clear.  There ARE times when the history of financial transactions or of earnings and the like are relevant.  That's not what we're talking about here.  The Marriage History is, though, completely irrelevant.*  In Arizona, even if you prove that your spouse was the worst spouse on the planet, the court CANNOT award you more property or give you more spousal maintenance or child support (or lessen your burden as the case may be).  "Marital misconduct" is specifically rendered irrelevant by statute.

So, you see, spending many hundreds of dollars per hour to complain about and blame your spouse and to try to convince the legal professionals involved that you are in the right and your spouse has wronged you - it is wasted dollars.  If vent you must, call an indulgent friend and vent for free.

The divorce process is costly enough. Save your financial resources for help with problem solving, not venting.

4. You are not going to come to agreement about the Marriage History with your spouse -- or convince him or her that he/she is wrong.  Bringing up the past -- throwing it in your spouse's face -- during negotiations will either shut the negotiation down or make your spouse defensive and angry -- which puts you into argument mode, not problem-solving mode.  "So what?" you say.  "I have to try to get him/her to see what he/she has done wrong, etc." 

Why?  You are getting divorced.  You can't change what happened.  What possible purpose does re-hashing the Marriage History serve at this point?

If you need to find emotional closure with your spouse, do it in therapy or on your own time, outside of the divorce process negotiations.

Your job right now is to create new "history" for yourself, not rehash the old one.

AND FINALLY,

5. Staying in the past -- in the Marriage History -- deflects you away from what you should be doing right now:  Planning for your Future.  Given that you cannot change what happened (see #1 above), what is the point of bringing up the past in your divorce process/negotiations?  Right now your job is to plan for your future and if you have children, to plan for their future as well.  The Marriage History does not help in that endeavor because it doesn't matter why you are where you are, it only matters that you are where you are!  You are where you are.  Period.  That's what you're dealing with right now.  Your finances are what they are.  Your job, career and earning ability are what they are.  Your spouse's earnings are what they are.  Everything in your life is what it is right now.  You cannot instantaneously change it to be what you want.  And complaining about the Marriage History and how he/she should have or could have won't change your current situation either.  If anything, it only re-activates what you don't want and makes it present again.

Focus right now on where you are now and where you want to go, not where you've been.

Family is created by shared experience.  Your Marriage History is important to you and your memories are your own.  No one can take them away from you.  But you learned the lesson from the experience in the moment that you had it.  It's time to move on.  Time to start living new experiences more to your liking.  Leave the history behind.

Considering Divorce? Try It On For Size

In a previous post I discussed some tips for anyone considering a divorce (see Post below).  This is Part II of "Considering a Divorce?"  This is an interesting game called "Try It on For Size."

There are two parts to this "game."  The first part deals with the emotional aspects of ending your relationship.  The second deals with financial aspects and will be covered in my next post.

You don't' need to tell anyone that you are playing this game.  This is just for you.

Game Number 1:  Is the Grass any Greener?¹

If you've been wondering if the grass is any greener out there than in your present relationship, why not pretend that you're divorced for a day?  For one whole day, as you go about your business in the world, imagine that you are divorced.  When you go to the coffee shop for your morning joe, mentally pretend you are single (mentally pretend -- you're not actually asking for phone numbers here!).

Now look around you.  Is there anyone you would want to flirt with?  Anyone you can see giving your number to?  Try this at the grocery store, soccer field, hardware store, the office -- anywhere that you are around people.

Imagine yourself single.  These are the potential dates and companions you might have.

PLEASE NOTE that I am NOT suggesting you actually make dates with others when you are married.  This is a game of imagination, not action.

What was the result of this experiment for you?  How do you interpret the results?

How you interpret the results is totally up to you.  Be honest with yourself.  Look inside.

Here are a few ideas to consider in interpreting the results.

If you tried the game and found that you weren't attracted to anyone - or at least not enough that you'd flirt with them - then perhaps you still have significant attachment to your current relationship.  In that case, why not consider trying to improve the relationship (and for suggestions on that, see previous posts below and check back here from time to time for tips).  If you are interested in improving your marriage, I suggest a book, "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It," by Patricia Love, Ed.D., and Steven Stosny, Ph.D.  This is an excellent book with tips that will appeal to both men and women.  Even if you are thinking you're going to end this relationship, this book will help you to understand the opposite sex and male/female relationships better so that you're next relationship will be an improvement for you.

If you played the game and found yourself readily able to imagine yourself dating others, perhaps your commitment to your marriage/partner is not that strong.  Only you can gauge the strength of your commitment but consider how eager you were during this game.  Were you disappointed that you couldn't actually follow through and pursue a relationship with someone else?  Also consider this, if you knew that your spouse played this "game," and knew that he/she was attracted to others and seriously would consider dating someone else if not married to you, how would you feel about that?  Jealous perhaps.  But would you feel that your spouse - in that scenario - was not fully committed to you?

Take some time to reflect on your findings before you make a decision about your relationship.  Even if you found yourself eager to meet someone new, it doesn't mean that your marriage is over if you don't want it to be.  It may just mean that the relationship needs some repair.  If you want to improve your relationship and re-commit, then please read the book I referenced above and real other posts below.  Try the techniques suggested and see what happens.

If you are strongly considering divorce, try the second "Try It On For Size" game that will be forthcoming in my next post.

____________________

¹  Thank you to my friend Elena who gave me the original suggestion for this first "Try It on For Size" game.