Divorce the Right Way

Divorce Mediation Best Option for Divorce if you Have Minor Children

If you have minor children and are going to be getting a divorce, a mediated divorce is most likely your best divorce process option.  Here are my top two reasons:

1.    You retain control of the decisions for your children.  Your children are the most important thing to you.  You have tried your best to make decisions that are in their best interests, to protect them and to give them the best possible life.  

    Why would you give someone you have never met the power to make the most important decisions affecting your children's lives now?

    If you engage in traditional litigation, you may well be on a path to give over to a judge the most important decisions for your kids.

    In the mediation process, you retain control over these decisions.  Sure, it will require you and your sposue to compromise to reach agreement.  But you decide what you compromise away.  You retain your power by making choices, rather than having a decision imposed on you.

2.    Mediation is the process least likely to destroy what if left of a relationship with your spouse and co-parent.  In traditional litigation, I often found that even if the parties had some amount of good will left toward each other at the beginning, by the end of the process that was gone.

    "Why is this important," you ask.  Because if you are a parent, you need to maintain a relationship with your soon-to-be-ex for the rest of your children's lives!  Often people heading into a divorce aren't thinking long-term.  They're just thinking about the here and now - the getting over the pain their in.

    But if you have kids together, whether you're divorced or not, you're in it together for life!  You don't want it to be torture to you -- or your kids -- to see your ex at a graduation or wedding or other major life event.  You should be able to be cordial and have what I refer to as a "professional parenting relationship."  Even if the love is gone, think of your spouse as your co-worker in the joint job of parenting your kids.  How would you want to be treated as a co-worker?  What kind of relationship would you like to have with your co-worker?

    Mediation offers a process without aggressive advocates for each party adding fuel to the fire.  Mediation offers a process that allows the parties the ability to maintain that cordial relationship they both want to maintain for the best interests of their children.

If you are considering divorce, contact mediators in your local area for a consultation.

Many mediators, like myself, offer a free 1/2 hour consultation for you and your spouse to come together and obtain information about the mediation process.  It is worth your time to do your research and get as much information as you can before you start your divorce.

For the vast majority of couples, mediation is an appropriate option.  And not only will it be the best option for your children, but it also happens to be the quickest and least costly option as well (special bonus!).

If you live in Pima County, Arizona, contact me for a free 1/2 hour mediation consultation:  (520) 628-1929.

 

5 Reasons You Should Have a Prenup Before You Get Married

When you are in love and contemplating marriage, entering into a contract negotiation with your betrothed may be the last thing on your mind.  Wedding details, the guest list and the honeymoon may be all you can see.

Or you may be thinking, "I'm not going to be getting divorced.  Why should I have a prenup?"

Or maybe people have told you that you need a prenup, but you don't know how to broach the subject with your soon-to-be spouse.

Or maybe you think that prenups are only for the super wealthy, and if you don't have a lot of money you don't need a prenuptial agreement.

All of those ideas (and more) keep people from signing what could be the most important document of their life.  Here are 5 reasons you SHOULD SIGN A PRENUPTIAL agreement before you get married:

1.  PROTECT SEPARATE PROPERTY

    I live and practice in a community property law state.  In community property states, property owned prior to marriage OR property acquired during the marriage by gift, devise or descent (inheritance included) is the separate property of the person who acquired it.

    Property you own prior to marriage does NOT become community property (joint property) simply by virtue of marriage.  If you keep your property separate (i.e. don't put it in  a joint bank account or put your spouse's name on the title or account), then the separate property remains separate.

    But what about earnings, interest, dividends and such?  Do earnings or increases in value during the marriage remain separate property?

    In some states the answer is no.

    Creating a prenuptial agreement is THE WAY to ensure that your separate property remains separate, regardless of where you live in the future.  When you enter into a prenuptial agreement, you and your betrothed disclose all assets, debts and income.  The property and debts (and the values) are included in the agreement setting a baseline for each spouse.  The Prenuptial Agreement clearly defines each spouse's separate property and you can state in your agreement that all income, earnings, increases in value, etc. will remain separate property.  In the event of a divorce or death, your prenup can be invaluable in proving your claims to your separate property.

2.  IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN FROM A PRIOR RELATIONSHIP

    If either of you have children from a prior relationship, you need a prenup.  In this situation more than any other - regardless of your net worth - a prenup is invaluable.  Why?

    Because you can clearly delineate financial responsibility and expectations regarding support of minor and/or college-aged children.

    Because you can clearly delineate your separate property.  And this is extremely important in the event of your death.  If you pre-decease your new spouse, chances are good that you want all or a portion of your estate to go to your children.  You need a will (I can't stress that enough!), but you should also have a prenup.  These two documents, used in conjunction with each other, will protect the rights of your children in the event of your death.

    If you are contemplating marriage and have children from a prior relationship, you absolutely should have a consultation with a lawyer who drafts prenuptials about whether or not you need a prenup.

3.    IMPROVED MARITAL RELATIONSHIP

    I know this one is hard to believe, but if you sit down with your intended and discuss the areas to be covered in a prenup, you may very well improve your future marriage.

    Many couples do not discuss issues such as monthly budgets, net worth, debts or other financial issues before they get married.  If your spouse is coming into the marriage saddled with significant consumer debt, don't you think you should know?  If your spouse is a penny pincher who keeps track of every dime coming in and going out on a spreadsheet or handwritten ledger (I've seen both in my divorce practice), and you are a free-spirited spend what you want without a care person, don't you want to know that?  You need to know each spouse's attitudes about money and spending/saving styles BEFORE you enter into this important LEGAL relationship.

    The disclosure required for a prenuptial is, in itself, worth the process.  Additionally, discussing your intentions and expectations regarding money can  set the tone for a more open and honest relationship about money in your marriage.

    There are other issues you can and should discuss as well, such as issues about having children an raising them, and spousal maintenance (alimony) in the event of a divorce.  These conversations can be very revealing.

4.    PROTECTION OF YOUR INCOME AND ASSETS FROM DEBT OF YOUR SPOUSE

    In Arizona (check in your own state if different), debts incurred during the marriage are community debt (meanign both spouses are jointly and severally liable) -- EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T SIGN FOR IT OR DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT!  This comes as a shock to a lot of people when they get divorced.  "But I didn't even know he had that credit card," she may say, or "She ran that up without my knowledge," he may say.

    When your estate gets divided (upon divorce or death), ALL debts incurred during the marriage are divided equally -- period.¹  How can you prevent yourself from being liable for your spouse's spending?

    A prenuptial agreement may be the only way.  In Arizona, the court's have held, for example, that a spouse was not liable for his wife's nursing home care since the spouse's had a prenuptial and the husband did not sign as a responsible party for the debt. 

    The key is to put potential creditors "on notice" of your prenuptial.  Discuss with an attorney how you can protect yourself by putting future creditors "on notice."

    This is an extremely important aspect of prenuptial agreements.  With a prenup, you may be able to protect yourself from being responsible for debt that you did not specifically agree to.

5.    KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING INTO BEFORE YOU TIE THE KNOT

    While you're still in the swoon of love, you may not be thinking about the fact that you are entering into an important legal relationship - one that carries significant legal and financial consequences.  You should be informed about the laws and how marriage affects you legally and financially BEFORE you get married.

    Before you say "I do," know what you're saying "I do" to!  If you own a house prior to marriage, how will getting married affect the title and/or equity in the house?  What about taxes - what are the tax consequences of getting married?  Will you be responsible for your spouse's pre-marital debt?  Will you be responsible for financial support of your spouse's children after marriage?

    These are just a few of the questions you should be asking - and getting answers to - before getting married.

     After consultation with a prenup lawyer, you may decide that you don't want a prenup.  That's okay - at least your decision will be an informed one.  But take the time to at least talk with a lawyer about the legal consequences to you of your marriage.

Marriage is Great Comedic Fodder

Every day in my business I witness first hand the oftentimes difficult interaction and communication between men and women.  One of the ways I like to unwind from this intense and tension filled work is to listen to comedy on XM.  There are some really funny bits out there about the relationship between men and women.

I really enjoy John Heffron's comedy and his observations of everyday life.  His material about his relationship issues with his wife are spot on.  I think it's so funny because we can relate.  Here's a bit that illustrates in a really funny way one of the communication differences between men and women.  This is only about 1.5 minutes long (it may take a few seconds to download and a player screen will pop up).

Download 10 How's Billy_

Doesn't that just about sum it up?

If you have funny comedy bits you've heard about the "Mars" & "Venus" relationship, post a comment or pop me an e-mail about it.  Enjoy!

Creating the Relationships that You Want

    When a person is looking for a change -- whether it is a change in their relationship, their job, their money or whatever -- wise friends and advisers often suggest writing affirmations.  Sounds like a good idea.

But affirmations frequently do not work.  Why?

    Because if you do not believe the words in the affirmation, then it has no power for you.  You will get in life what you expect to get -- what you believe you will get.  This applies to money, career, house, car -- and relationships too.

I have a personal story for you about affirmations.  Some years back I went to a hypnotherapist to work on weight loss.  I was looking for the "miracle" cure.  She gave me tapes with her voicing speaking soothing affirmations.  "I make health eating choices," the voice said, or "I enjoy my body." 

I listened to these tapes daily for six months (in addition to hypnotherapy sessions).  I didn't lose a pound (in fact, I gained weight!).  Why didn't the affirmations help?

Because I didn't believe those affirmations.  There weren't true for me at that time.  I had to first find a way to believe, for example, that I can make healthy eating choices before I could do it.  Belief comes first.  Action follows.

You will always, every time, experience in life what you expect to experience.  What you believe will happen does in fact happen.

The corollary of this is that if you do not believe that something will happen, it won't.  So if you do not believe that good things will come to you, they won't.  If you don't believe yourself worthy of being in a relationship with a loving, honest, caring spouse, you won't have that relationship.

You will experience the kinds of relationships that you expect to experience.

If you are currently in a relationship of any kind that is troublesome for you, pay attention to what you think and speak about this relationship -- to yourself and to others.

Frequently a person gets divorced and then in short order finds themselves in a new relationship that feels very much like the old one.  And the person may say something like "all men are alike," or "all women are the same."

And if you observe this person -- or maybe it's you we're speaking of -- you would probably find that the person consistently talks about their ex-spouse by listing all the negative traits and attributes or actions of that person.  Over and over again this person tells anyone who will listen the story of how horrible their ex-spouse is.

Then a new person comes into their life.  This new person seems nothing like the ex-spouse.  Off to a good start.  They fall in love.  This time will be different.

But if the person is still telling the old story of the failed relationship, then they are still in the energetic holding pattern of the one that failed.  Nothing changes.  New face, same relationship.

The good news is, you can change this pattern -- completely and permanently.  In fact, you can change the relationship you are in right now.  You may even be able to turn it around from thinking you may need to end it to finding that you enjoy the relationship after all.

How?  Here are four steps to follow.  

First, be clear about the relationship that you want.  I'm not talking about a superficial description of the person's physical appearance.  This is deeper.  How does the relationship feel?  What is the other person like?  How does that person treat you?  How do you feel when you are in relationship with this person?

You may find it helpful to think about relationships that you've had that were satisfying for you.  What are the common denominators in these relationships?  What were the people like?  More importantly, what were you like?

Now make a list of what you want in a mate (or boss or friend, whatever relationship you are working on).  You may say things like "I want a mate that respects me," or "I want to be with someone honest" or "I want to meet someone to share my life with who makes me laugh every day."  Be very specific.  This is your order.  Don't hold back.  Don't censor yourself.  Go for it all!   You deserve it.

Now the second step.  How are you thinking and speaking about your current relationship?  Really pay attention to yourself over the next week or so.  Are you going to work and complaining about your spouse?  What is your current "story" about this relationship?  Write it down.  Be honest with yourself.

Put the "story" away for a day or two and then go back and read it.  Is your story primarily negative?  If it is, take the time right now to do two things.  First, write down no less than ten positive things about this person and/or the relationship.  Second, make a commitment to yourself to stop talking negatively about it.  You don't have to lie and make up positive statements that you don't believe.  But don't allow yourself -- either internally or in dialog with others -- to talk negatively about the other person or the relationship.  Try to do this for at least a week.  See how that feels.

The third step may be the hardest.  Take the list you created in step 1 of the perfect relationship.  Now, apply this list to your relationship with yourself.  For example, if you said "I want my spouse to respect me," ask yourself, "Do I respect myself?"  Or do you pull out the inner critic and start putting yourself down at every turn?

Be brutally honest here.  Remember, any lies are lies you are saying to yourself.  This is no one else's business.  This is just for you.  Do this self-assessment for every trait on your list from step 1.

If you find that you are not enjoying the perfect relationship with yourself that you want with another, stop here at this stage for a while and work on improving your relationship with yourself.  Pay attention to that inner critic.  Give yourself the space to pursue your own good health.  Get the assistance you need -- from inspirational books to talking with friends or perhaps some personal coaching.  Invest the time and funds you need to really put your own house in order.

Create a new story for how you are in relationship with yourself.  Throw out the old story.  From this day forward tell only the new and improved story.

Once you have spent the time to bring yourself into alignment with where you want to be (at least most of the time), you are ready for the fourth and final step.  You are now ready to shift your focus to your relationship with another.

How?

You don't need to speak to the other about any of this.  No need for therapy.  You don't need counseling or a big pow wow.

Simply BE the person that you ordered.

Take your list from step 1 and practice being exactly the type of person you described for yourself.  If you want honest, be honest.  If you want caring, be caring.  If you want fun, be fun.

Model the behavior that you want to see in others.

    But you say, "Natalie, if he's not honest with me, how can I be honest with him?

THIS IS THE SINGLE BIGGEST AND JUST ABOUT UNIVERSAL MISTAKE THAT PEOPLE MAKE IN RELATIONSHIPS.  I call it the "NA-NA-NA-NA boo boo" argument.  It's straight from pre-school.  "Well she did it to me, so I'll do it to her."  "Well he treats me bad, so why should I be good to him."

This can be very subtle and go unnoticed.  Over time it builds until neither spouse or partner is being kind and honest and all those good things to each other any more.

    In this situation, you are defining your own behavior in reaction to the behavior of another rather than by your own internal guidance of how you want to behave and how it feels good for you to behave.

You need to end that pattern -- drop the history of how it's always been.  At this moment, right now, begin telling a new story.  Be to yourself the partner that you seek.  Be to your partner the partner that you seek.

If you do this consistently, you will -- very quickly -- find that you are surrounded with beautiful, fulfilling relationships.  You will experience the relationship that you ordered.

Place your order now.  Let me know how it turns out.