When a person is looking for a change -- whether it is a change in their relationship, their job, their money or whatever -- wise friends and advisers often suggest writing affirmations. Sounds like a good idea.
But affirmations frequently do not work. Why?
Because if you do not believe the words in the affirmation, then it has no power for you. You will get in life what you expect to get -- what you believe you will get. This applies to money, career, house, car -- and relationships too.
I have a personal story for you about affirmations. Some years back I went to a hypnotherapist to work on weight loss. I was looking for the "miracle" cure. She gave me tapes with her voicing speaking soothing affirmations. "I make health eating choices," the voice said, or "I enjoy my body."
I listened to these tapes daily for six months (in addition to hypnotherapy sessions). I didn't lose a pound (in fact, I gained weight!). Why didn't the affirmations help?
Because I didn't believe those affirmations. There weren't true for me at that time. I had to first find a way to believe, for example, that I can make healthy eating choices before I could do it. Belief comes first. Action follows.
You will always, every time, experience in life what you expect to experience. What you believe will happen does in fact happen.
The corollary of this is that if you do not believe that something will happen, it won't. So if you do not believe that good things will come to you, they won't. If you don't believe yourself worthy of being in a relationship with a loving, honest, caring spouse, you won't have that relationship.
You will experience the kinds of relationships that you expect to experience.
If you are currently in a relationship of any kind that is troublesome for you, pay attention to what you think and speak about this relationship -- to yourself and to others.
Frequently a person gets divorced and then in short order finds themselves in a new relationship that feels very much like the old one. And the person may say something like "all men are alike," or "all women are the same."
And if you observe this person -- or maybe it's you we're speaking of -- you would probably find that the person consistently talks about their ex-spouse by listing all the negative traits and attributes or actions of that person. Over and over again this person tells anyone who will listen the story of how horrible their ex-spouse is.
Then a new person comes into their life. This new person seems nothing like the ex-spouse. Off to a good start. They fall in love. This time will be different.
But if the person is still telling the old story of the failed relationship, then they are still in the energetic holding pattern of the one that failed. Nothing changes. New face, same relationship.
The good news is, you can change this pattern -- completely and permanently. In fact, you can change the relationship you are in right now. You may even be able to turn it around from thinking you may need to end it to finding that you enjoy the relationship after all.
How? Here are four steps to follow.
First, be clear about the relationship that you want. I'm not talking about a superficial description of the person's physical appearance. This is deeper. How does the relationship feel? What is the other person like? How does that person treat you? How do you feel when you are in relationship with this person?
You may find it helpful to think about relationships that you've had that were satisfying for you. What are the common denominators in these relationships? What were the people like? More importantly, what were you like?
Now make a list of what you want in a mate (or boss or friend, whatever relationship you are working on). You may say things like "I want a mate that respects me," or "I want to be with someone honest" or "I want to meet someone to share my life with who makes me laugh every day." Be very specific. This is your order. Don't hold back. Don't censor yourself. Go for it all! You deserve it.
Now the second step. How are you thinking and speaking about your current relationship? Really pay attention to yourself over the next week or so. Are you going to work and complaining about your spouse? What is your current "story" about this relationship? Write it down. Be honest with yourself.
Put the "story" away for a day or two and then go back and read it. Is your story primarily negative? If it is, take the time right now to do two things. First, write down no less than ten positive things about this person and/or the relationship. Second, make a commitment to yourself to stop talking negatively about it. You don't have to lie and make up positive statements that you don't believe. But don't allow yourself -- either internally or in dialog with others -- to talk negatively about the other person or the relationship. Try to do this for at least a week. See how that feels.
The third step may be the hardest. Take the list you created in step 1 of the perfect relationship. Now, apply this list to your relationship with yourself. For example, if you said "I want my spouse to respect me," ask yourself, "Do I respect myself?" Or do you pull out the inner critic and start putting yourself down at every turn?
Be brutally honest here. Remember, any lies are lies you are saying to yourself. This is no one else's business. This is just for you. Do this self-assessment for every trait on your list from step 1.
If you find that you are not enjoying the perfect relationship with yourself that you want with another, stop here at this stage for a while and work on improving your relationship with yourself. Pay attention to that inner critic. Give yourself the space to pursue your own good health. Get the assistance you need -- from inspirational books to talking with friends or perhaps some personal coaching. Invest the time and funds you need to really put your own house in order.
Create a new story for how you are in relationship with yourself. Throw out the old story. From this day forward tell only the new and improved story.
Once you have spent the time to bring yourself into alignment with where you want to be (at least most of the time), you are ready for the fourth and final step. You are now ready to shift your focus to your relationship with another.
How?
You don't need to speak to the other about any of this. No need for therapy. You don't need counseling or a big pow wow.
Simply BE the person that you ordered.
Take your list from step 1 and practice being exactly the type of person you described for yourself. If you want honest, be honest. If you want caring, be caring. If you want fun, be fun.
Model the behavior that you want to see in others.
But you say, "Natalie, if he's not honest with me, how can I be honest with him?
THIS IS THE SINGLE BIGGEST AND JUST ABOUT UNIVERSAL MISTAKE THAT PEOPLE MAKE IN RELATIONSHIPS. I call it the "NA-NA-NA-NA boo boo" argument. It's straight from pre-school. "Well she did it to me, so I'll do it to her." "Well he treats me bad, so why should I be good to him."
This can be very subtle and go unnoticed. Over time it builds until neither spouse or partner is being kind and honest and all those good things to each other any more.
In this situation, you are defining your own behavior in reaction to the behavior of another rather than by your own internal guidance of how you want to behave and how it feels good for you to behave.
You need to end that pattern -- drop the history of how it's always been. At this moment, right now, begin telling a new story. Be to yourself the partner that you seek. Be to your partner the partner that you seek.
If you do this consistently, you will -- very quickly -- find that you are surrounded with beautiful, fulfilling relationships. You will experience the relationship that you ordered.
Place your order now. Let me know how it turns out.
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